Thursday, July 03, 2008

Hoo-boy

I looked at the scale and took my measurements for the first time in about a year last night.

Depressing.

Remind me that I'm only three and a half weeks post-partum and this will get better.

I honestly don't feel as big as I must look...and yesterday someone (who doesn't know me and didn't have to be nice--long story) guessed that I weighed about 40 lbs less than I do.

I honestly do not want to focus on my weight or to get down on myself or to spiral into self-loathing (like I did a few years ago) when I have a beautiful daughter to enjoy (not to mention, set an example for).

There has to be some way to motivate myself to eat well and exercise without shame, berating myself or becoming obsessive again. Right? (I think I may have answered this question in my last paragraph.)

I think I also have to let go of the dream that I could be a size 8. It took me to 1300 calories a day, massive amounts of self-hatred and fear, and a fanatical obsession with counting calories to get there before--and that was very short-lived. I can't and won't be that again. Seriously, thin thighs aren't worth it--and I have to let go of that single-digit "dream."

4 comments:

Jeanne said...

Kristen, no one else probably has seen you in the last few weeks, but you really do look great! Weight is a number and not always a good one for actually telling us if we're fit or healthy. You are taking care of yourself. You likely won't be really little ever - I'm sorry, you have your mother's body shape. [Which, by the way, is very feminine.) How do you feel? Don't wait for another 20 years to start accepting yourself. Just take care of you and you'll be setting the perfect example for Miss Alyss.

Sandra said...

I second your mom. You are beautiful and have a beautiful body! Size is only a number and really not worth focusing your energy on. There are enough voices out there telling us to fit into something we can't. We shouldn't join in. Some people (like me) would be thrilled to be your size. :)

aola said...

KRISTEN LEE!!

I cannot believe you did that to yourself three weeks after having a baby!

We all saw you on the video and you look wonderful, beautiful, so STOP it!!

R said...

well, i won't say stop it. . . i did the same thing. and i don't think it hurt me any. six weeks post-partum things shrink down. toning will be needed but the swelling won't be there.

i feel like i've found a balance after sam. pretty clothes help. exercise helps. i am not comfortable without some kind of exercise every day. it clears my brain, makes me feel strong and capable.

instead of a dream size, i have kind of a dream me, a me i want to be for sam, for myself and there are many facets to that me -- good work, measured responses, accomplishments, a surety that comes from loving well and being loved, appearance -- how i look is a part of the picture, but it is not everything.

somehow that puts it all in perspective for me. appearance is just one facet, an important one, but so is work, how i treat others and my contribution to the world.