Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas Girls!

Merry Christmas, Girls.

Friday, October 15, 2010

From Aola's Blog - I loved it so much I wanted to put it here too


I am not needed.

There are enough scholars arguing both or all sides of everything.

(I always laugh when I hear about “equal time” as though there are only two sides. There are thousands of sides to everything.)

I am not needed there.

There are enough etymologists.

There are others who can use the beautiful words like nosology, tautology, eschatology, exegesis, and omphalos—(not to mention syzygy) even though only five-thousand people worldwide know what those words really mean.

I am not needed there.

There are ever so many beautiful singers, whose voices are sweet or clear or powerful.
And though I love to feel them play my bones,
I am not needed there either.

There are more than enough people busy stirring the pot, taking the high road, knowing all the short cuts,
calling more cooks to supervise the broth, adding more coals to the fire.
There are more than enough who spin evolutionary ideas, who add more to the heap, who fill everything that needs filling, and who are emptying all the things that they believe are in dire need of emptying.

There are enough rolling stones, enough birds in the bushes (though far fewer in the hand).
There are enough of all these.

I am not needed there.

But down at the back of the house at dark, leaning over the great stone sharpening wheel, my old broken shoes fitted to the rusted pedals,
I can make my legs go forever.
I can make my legs go forever.
I can make my legs go forever.

I press the steel blade of every dull knife—not hard against hard, but tender against hard, just right—against this spinning stone. I make fly everywhere in the night, showers of sparks, the little fires that catch often enough, and just right
on various dry old tears,
and old useless memories
stacked as crisp papers in some forlorn attic
under the hairline soffits or in the cornices of the heart.

And this fire sets ablaze whatever is needing warmth…
This fire sets ablaze
And burns away whatever is no longer needed.
Here I have found my place.
Here, I have found my place.
Here I am needed

At this great stone wheel that cannot turn by itself, but only by the bones and blood of the hands and the legs
that can hold to it,
that can hold to it,
that can hold to it.

Working long, tiring, resting,
Working long, tiring, resting,
Working long, tiring, resting,
coming back once more.

Fire! Give me fire!
More! Fire!


… Showers of sparks, everywhere!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Reality Bites

I'm fat.
I'm old.
I'm (evidently) not willing to do the work it takes to change that.
I will be 56 years old in a month, that is almost 60! Wow!

Yes, I would like to lose weight but like I said .. evidently it is not important enough for me to actually do something about it. Exercise.

Sometimes I get really depressed about my body shape. When that happens I really let myself go. I dress horribly, don't fix my hair, just generally don't care. But, then I snap and realize that the reality is that this probably isn't going to change and I need to try to be the best old, fat lady I can be.

So,I fix my hair, put on a little make-up, wear something that fits a little nicer and try to be content with the person I am.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I've been trying to lose weight. Actually trying this time. Not just saying I'm going to try and then eating whatever I want to anyway. I'm a fairly routine eater so each day is pretty much the same:

Breakfast choco-nana-nutter smoothie 300 calories

Lunch turkey ranch wrap with tons of veggies 300 calories

Snack light sugar free yogurt 110 calories
String cheese 70 calories
hard boiled egg 77 calories

Dinner is whatever the family is having but I eat a lot less and don't go back for seconds.

We've put ourselves on a grocery spending limit of $100 a week so we aren't buying soda of any kind anymore. Sorry Diet Coke. I miss you, but we must stick to our budget. Last week we spent $114. That included all of our breakfasts, lunches, and dinners plus diapers, toilet paper, and a sunless tanning lotion that I had a coupon for. Our lunches are always turkey sandwiches or wraps so that was easy to buy for. Our dinners included hamburgers, chicken alfredo, spaghetti, fajitas, grilled chicken, tacos, and chili dogs. I even had enough chicken for three extra meals. It's not a glamorous menu, but it's the food David and Erin will eat. Saving money did require trips to three different grocery stores. Luckily they are all in or near the same shopping center so we didn't have to travel too far out of the way. I'm not sure how much more than this we were spending before, but I know we weren't doing a very good job of keeping track. It feels good to know what we are buying and how much we are paying for it. In a strange way it also seems to help me with the diet.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Death by food or Aola is a big fat wuss.

I wonder what it is about certain people's personality that makes us have that addictive character? I get that way about the silliest things... foods, games, etc. I'm just really glad I never smoked - I would have never been able to quit.

And, what it is about other people, why they are not? My Dad smoked for 40 years and then just one day decided to stop, laid them down and never picked up another. He never gained weight because if he started getting a little belly he would just stop eating??? why didn't I get some of that???

I'm doing good with the whole not eating of the salty snacks, but, the only reason I am is because there are NO pretzels in the house. It sure as hell isn't because I don't want them. We will see if I can resist buying a bag tonight on our weekly shopping trip. Seriously, I was thinking about running into town because I need to go get dog food and the thought crossed my mind to stop and get a bag of pretzels and eat them all before I came home.... WTF??? Like Mark cares if I eat pretzels??? or the salt wouldn't hurt me if no one knew?????? that is some strange thinking.

Like I said... good thing I never took up smoking.

Friday, May 07, 2010

I am kind of having a hard time adjusting my diet to life-without-salty-snacks. I knew giving up the pretzels was going to be hard for me and it is. I crave the salty snacks.... a lot. I went down thru the cracker isle and looked at all the labels, Triscuits were one of the lowest sodium snacks I could find but they are high in calories so I have to really limit myself on how many I can have. It leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I know it will level out in time, I just have to push thru these first few days.
I took the diuretic for about two years and I think my body is having to re-adjust to not having it. I have been having some trouble with swelling in my ankles, not bad but noticeable to me.
Lots of changes for an old body like mine, once I get the salt intake down to where it should be and get used to the new medicine I'm hoping these symptoms will go away.
The burning mouth thing is all but gone!! Hallelujah!!! The itchy skin is still a problem though...maybe it is all in my mind... "it's all in your mind Mr. Tweety, it's all in your mind" said with my best British accent (Chicken Run)

I hope you don't mind my whining, it helps me to talk this out as I go

Thanks for being there

Thursday, May 06, 2010

OMGI think I finally did it!! I think I finally found an exercise I enjoy!!

I like weight lifting because it makes me feel strong and I enjoy walking... but I found something that really gets me MOVIN'

lower the shades, lock the door, CRANK UP the classic rock channel and DANCE!!!!

crazy, wild uninhibited dancing, just letting the music move me. Wow! that was fun.

I only made it through one song this morning, Suzie Q by CCR but it got my heart racing and I loved it. It wasn't drudgery.


now my family is going to think I am crazy for sure. hee hee hee hee

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Although my eating habits are pretty healthy most of the time, I tend to slip off into some not-so-good eating habits sometimes.. .so, once again, I am weeding things out that are not good for me and trying to add in some that are. For instance: I finally went to the doctor and got my blood pressure medication changed to one without a diuretic. Now, let's just keep our fingers crossed that it actually relives some of these crazy symptoms. And, I have once again eliminated soda pop out of my diet. I have a hard time feeling guilty about drinking caffeine free diet coke but still I want to be rid of it. I am trying to eliminate one thing at a time to see if I can find a way to feel better. At my age I know there are some aches and pains that go along with age but I should feel better than I do. My goal, as usual, is optimal health not weight loss - I have pretty much given up on weight loss. Optimal health comes with having an immune system strong enough to fight off whatever is not supposed to be going on in your body. As you age, your immune system gets weaker .. unless you keep it feed lots of nutrients.

BUT.. I have had a revelation, well, it is really not anything new but it has kind of hit me in a new way.

Bottom line is that if I don't start and maintain an exercise program I am never again going to have optimal health. I don't care how healthy I eat, it is not enough.

So, I am at this teetering point of making that happen or just giving up. That's how bad I hate to exercise and I am not a lazy person, I just hate to exercise, always have. My sister talked me into going to an aerobics class with her a long time ago - I would get drunk and go or get high and go and it was always just a joke to me. I made fun of the women and their leggings and cutesy outfits... Trudy finally made me quit going with her :)

I read tonight that joint aches are yet another symptom of menopause and it may or may not be arthritis that is causing me to hurt so bad. Mark thinks that is good news, I'm not so sure.

The next thing to go will be my stick pretzels. This one I dread. The pop has been easy to do without, the pretzels I will miss!! It means I just flat cannot buy them or have them in the house because I cannot resist them.

Getting old just SUCKS.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Completely off subject, but...

Girls, I can't find the damn keys I've been looking for for weeks now. Found out today they will cost $250 to replace if I can't find them. Please send "finder" vibes/prayers my way! I am so frustrated.

Wanna hear another thing I am irritated about? I knew you did. Sometimes I feel like I have too many issues with food now to ever have a healthy relationship with it or with my body. That sucks.

Feel free to post your frustrations in the comments section. Ha!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I bought the cutest little book today. It's called The Book of Fun for Moms or something like that, written by a young mother who was trying to learn to cope with having two babies 17 months apart (sound familiar?) It is full of fun things to do with your kids and as a family. It made me feel good because I have done most of them with my kids at one time or another. I'm going to read thru it and then give it to Christi because I am quiet sure she is going to need a little fun in her life soon :)

I also bought the cutest flip flops, I was sooo tickled to find them at Sam's for 12.98!! I had been looking on zappos and the prices were ridiculous. I had a hard time just picking one style, will probably buy another pair or two next month if they still have them.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Please, please read

Just finished another really good book:

Live a Little: Breaking the Rules Won't Break Your Health by Susan Love and Alice Domar with Leigh Ann Hirschman. It was sooooo good, gals.

The authors write about what you can do to be "pretty healthy" rather than giving tons of do's and don't or even dieting advice. This book is helping me RELAX about my health and not feel bad if I miss a little sleep or don't eat perfectly or exercise every day. Got it at my local library--maybe you can, too.

Back in the Blogosphere

I've missed reading these blogs, but just didn't have 'the time anymore'. Now that I've given up my two huge time-wasting Facebook pasttimes, I feel like I have all the time in the world.

So, my own blog will have a little content in it now, and I just wanted to say 'I'm back!'

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I try to time my Estee Lauder purchases so that I always get the free gift they give away twice a year. Recently, I did just that and in the gift package was one of those unbelievably expensive line-plumping eye treatments so I thought, what the heck I might as well try it. Boy, was that a mistake. I don't guess I thought the whole line-plumping thing through. I was just thinking Wow, if there is anything that could make my under eye area look better I should try it. Never again. I put it on with my nightly moisturizer and the next morning... HOLY COW... the normal bags I have under my eyes looked like inflated air bags!! Bags are bad enough but INFLATED BAGS are bad, bad. So much for the anti-aging line plumping.. HA!

But, I am trying a new skin regime for this summer. I went on line to www., went through the questions and have been buying one item at a time the products they suggested. I love the Definity scrub and just started using the night cream last night. It is supposed to help with age spots and discoloration.. we will see. It's quiet a splurge for me but since I am outside so much in the summer I thought I should do it. I'm worth it, right?

Anyone buying any new summer clothes or shoes or make-up so far this season or is everyone pinching pennies like we are?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I'm sitting in the break room at work enjoying my turkey, veggie, & mustard on whole wheat sandwich when in walk to of my co-workers with McDonald's meals complete with fries and soda. Neither of these ladies weigh more than a buck twenty and one weighs substantially less. She's so thin that her goal for Wii fit is to gain weight, yes you heard that right. She wants to gain weight and has been shoveling down the ice cream to accomplish her goal. We had a brief conversation about weight wherein I explained my recent try at running, and they both confessed that they couldn't run and that neither of them did anything beyond the physical activity they do at work to stay thin. And it hits me. Weight is not fair, and the playing field of weight loss is not equal. Some people will go their entire lives without having to put in half of the effort of others and will be thin regardless of their lack of effort. Others, like me, will work very hard for every ounce they lose. Some can eat whatever they want whenever they want to and it will never catch up to them. Others can gain a pound just by looking at chocolate cake, at least it feels that way sometimes.

In the past month my weight has not budged, but I will not give up hope or stop trying.

Friday, April 09, 2010

i'm doing good, how 'bout you?

The change in weather has been good for me. I am feeling better mentally and physically. Of course, there is always sinus/allergy stuff to deal with in Oklahoma and especially this time of year but mine hasn't been too bad.
I am busy outside, a lot. The mowing has begun, flower beds to work in and a slow start in the vegetable garden and just sitting. I love to just sit in the sun with my feet in the clover. We are all enjoying watching Zoe discover the world of outdoors. She's going to be a wild one.
I am eating lighter and better, the being busy helps me not to nibble quiet so much. No weight loss, of course, but, I still feel better about myself.
I dedicate some time every day to some sort of exercise - take a walk, do some yoga type stretching exercises, or weight bearing and that also makes me feel better.
Business is better which really helps my attitude and our home/family life is wonderful.

So, in general, life is good.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

You know, I just don't get it? I really don't.
I mean, I am not a totally undisciplined person. I do get things done, but, for some reason that I don't understand at all I just can't lose weight. I cannot control my eating habits. I can make myself eat healthy food I just can't make myself not eat too much. I just can't do it. When I'm not really hungry, when I know I don't need it, even when I hate myself for it I still eat. I don't eat huge amounts of food, I just eat all the time. I'm a nibbler. It's a bite here and bite there, a handful of pretzels or nuts, a slice of cheese, a this or a that. I do pretty well in the mornings, a lot of time not eating anything until lunch time but once I take that first bite, once I have breakfast .. it's over. I think that is part of the reason I stay out here in the office on the computer so much. I don't eat when I'm out here and I never bring food in here and I'm fine.

I can even control it for a while, a few days or weeks maybe and then when I don't ever see results I give up,get where I just don't care and I eat.

I hate being this fat. I hate not being comfortable in clothes. I would love to buy new clothes and look good but I can't seem to make myself care enough to do something about it.

Don't get it?

I just don't get it?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I am on day four of my cleanse, not sure I will continue (at least as stictly) much longer. The cleanse is definitely working... I even started my period which I am not sure if that's a good or bad sign since I haven't had one in over six months... will this never be over???
I have held to the plan better this time than any other cleanse I've ever done with almost no slip-ups. Funny, the one thing that has been hardest for me to resist is my stick pretzels.. meat, I can do without, sugar, hasn't been too bad, but OMG those pretzels have haunted me.
I have not been hungry at all. I've eaten LOTS of high fiber, high nutrient foods that have very little calories so no hunger, but, don't feel satisfied either.

I'll just see how my day goes.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Spring cleaning

It has been an unusually long,cold winter for us along with lots of sickness, lots of sickness as you know since you've heard me whine about it all winter long. And, here it is March 20 and we are still having cold, snowy, wet weather and Seth has yet another cold .. meaning we are all fixing to get it... again.

I'm thinking it is time along with the spring equinox to do a cleanse. I need it so badly.

Have any of you ever tried those detox patches you put on your feet? I was just wondering how well they work.

I'm thinking... lots of fresh veggies, juice, water, whole grains and no sugar, refined carbs or meat (maybe fish) for at least a week. I really don't like brown rice but I could manage it for a week, surely.

Lots of vitamins and supplements and maybe buy myself a case of gogi juice .. it is pretty pricey, but, I am worth it.

Anyone want to do it with me? Any thoughts or suggestions?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Just finished reading...

Angry Fat Girls by Frances Kuffel.

Reminded me a lot of our little community here and saw myself in many of the ladies' struggles. You guys might like it. (The writing is pretty good, although there were some annoying parts, too: the writer is perhaps a little too honest--i.e., mean--about her fellow angry fat girls, and it can be irritating to read "who said what on what blog and when." Kind of feels like reading about a party to which you were not invited.)

Friday, March 12, 2010

I suck at losing weight.

I don't know what my problem is. I can't seem to get my eating under control. I think that I used food as a crutch during the last year and ended up with a fairly serious emotional addiction to food.

I'm so frustrated at myself for letting this happen. I know that doesn't really do any good, but it's the truth.

I could really use some motivation vibes!

Thanks ladies.

Update: I visited SparkPeople and found some helpful information on emotional eating. I made a little sign to hang on the fridge that says "STOP! Take 5 minutes to relax by reading, listening to music, or going for a short walk. Ask yourself if you are really hungry or if you need comfort." I also put a little list on the side that says "Feel it! Express it! Move past it!"

I can't really go into detail about some of the emotional issues I'm having and perhaps the inability to discuss it either virtually or in person has led to this emotional eating. It feels like the last 5 months have had a domino effect. One very significant thing happened and then I just began to bottle everything up. I knew that I was too numb when I didn't even cry over the recent loss of our cat.

It literally feels like I've been walking on egg shells around myself. So afraid that the smallest amount of giving in would mean everything would come tumbling in on me.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Took Emily to the doctor again today for a follow-up visit, since she is just not getting over the cough. He gave her a new antibiotic which I may or may not try and renewed the prescription for her cough syrup. I also got something for nausea since she started throwing up as soon as we walked out of the office... I'm thinking maybe it was nerves.

Anyway... I was so happy for her. SHE LOST 9 POUNDS IN A WEEK!! I suppose it was from being sick although I did change a few things in her diet over the past couple of weeks.

Way to go Ms Emily!!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Okay, I officially hate Levi now.

Two weeks, two freaking weeks.

He decides to get in shape, for two weeks he has been upping his protein intake and working out at the gym at work.... two measly weeks.

He has gained 8 pounds of bulk and looks absolutely ... well, I don't want to say fabulous because that kind of makes him sound gay and I don't want to say HOT because he's my kid but the boy looks GOOD. He came over last night, he had on a new pair of jeans that fight tighter than he normally wears and I couldn't believe how muscular his legs and butt looked. Levi has never had a butt before!!

Two weeks.

But, he and Seth working out so hard has inspired me to try once again. Over the winter months and yet another change in blood pressure medication I have gained quiet a bit of weight. So, I am counting calories... UCK! and paying more attention to what I eat and as soon as our ground dries up just a little I am going to start walking again.

Two weeks. Boys.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I really miss all of you. Since we don't blog anymore I don't feel like I know what is going on in any of your lives and I miss knowing how you are and what you are doing and how the babies are changing and growing. I miss Cara's wit and wisdom and Jeanne's grace for each of us. I miss Erica's mystery ... I guess all things are or at least most things are just for a season.