We had company last night. I fixed a huge meal - ham, potato salad, green salad, green bean salad, hot bread, and banana pudding. I didn't think I ate all that much I tried to listen to my body and stop eating when I was full but as I lay down to go to sleep last night I had that yucky way overfull feeling. I hate that. So, I lay there feeling like an idiot, talking to myself, telling me to learn to listen better because my tummy does not like the way it feels when I stuff it too full.

Listen up, dummy.

I did better today. I'm learning. At lunch today I ate a little leftover ham and a piece of bread. I had a small portion of potato salad on my plate too but I was too full to eat it and I actually got up and threw it away instead of eating it.

My boys are so good about knowing when to stop. I have never made food a big deal at our house. You eat what you like, if we have something new the rule is you have to at least try it and then if you don't like it, don't eat it. I've always told them that when you are full, stop, I'll throw the rest away.

I want to relearn that ability.

Normally clothes shopping perpetuates the diet/binge cycle for me. It goes something like this, I eat well and exercise. I go clothes shopping. Said clothes are unkind and won't fit in the places they should. I end up sad and depressed and decide to eat whatever I want because not eating what I want hasn't helped anyway. The problem has always been that I have a specific size that I feel like I should fit into in order to be beautiful, but I've never actually been that size, and trying to become that size feels like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Yesterday, I went shopping and made a conscious decision not to judge body. If I tried something on and it didn't look good, I simply thought to myself "this style isn't for me" and moved on to the next item. I paid no attention the size of the garment. I looked at how it hugged my curves and really paid attention to how I felt in it. It was a totally freeing shopping experience. I tried on things I never dreamed I would like because in the past I wouldn't have tried them on at all because I would have thought I was too fat for them. After my shopping experience, I didn't feel the need to eat at all. I felt beautiful in the new shirts I bought. I took the time to appreciate my body. I will say that it is still very difficult to go shopping because designers are not as appreciative of my body as I am. Why do they feel that anyone over a size 9 wants to wear a sack? I am reading "The Diet Survivor's Handbook" (thanks to Kristen) and am working through it's lessons. I'm trying not to judge myself as being "good" or "bad" about following the recommendations in the book. I'm opening myself up to this being a journey and allowing myself to experience it rather than control it.

Rachelle has an interesting post this morning about intuitive eating...

magpie girl

Kinda interesting

You'll see lots of studies like this one (and studies that are obviously completely skewed to find a result of "fat = death") if you read The Obesity Myth, but I just came across this one today: A study the media overlooked: being fat lowers mortality for women.

Her point was similar to what I've been reading:

"Sure, it could be said to be a minor correlation, but if it had supported the dangers of obesity it certainly would have been shouted from the rooftops. But since it didn’t, you never heard about this study."

I'm not sharing this with you all to say, "Everybody get fat now!" It's just interesting in light of what I've been reading lately. The whole "being overweight significantly increases your risk of death" idea that is so promoted in the media doesn't appear to be true. It's the risk factors that often (but then again sometimes do not!) lead to obesity (sedentary lifestyle, poor nutrition) that increases morbidity.

Where I'm At

I'm in my skinny jeans. You have those? Right? Mostly its due to nursing. Breastfeeding burns mongo calories.

I'm in the usual mid-winter cardio trouble -- not enought daylight or warmth to have good cardio-vascular endurance. As the days lengthen, I should be able to solve that.

Something about being Sam's mom has changed the way I see me. I feel pretty, confident. I feel like I can conquer the world. I'm not giving weight much brain space these days. I want to keep it under control, but I want to spend more time living than worrying.

A little discouraged

First of all, gals, I am reading The Obesity Myth by Paul Campos, and it is really good. The entire first section is Campos showing how many "obesity experts" (the ones you read about in magazines and newspapers constantly) twist studies to show how awful fat is. In reality, a fat person who exercises and eats fairly healthy will have the same mortality rate as someone who is thin. In some cases, the fat even seems protective against diseases. Furthermore, a person who is 75 pounds "overweight" (whatever that means) is often more healthy than a person who is 5 pounds underweight. These "experts" have powerful motives (financially, socially, etc.) to keep women losing "the last 10-20 lbs" over and over again, even though that is terrible for your body.

The first part of the book deals with the skewed studies; that is the hardest part to read, but also the most powerful probably.

I was particularly struck by a chapter on Susan Estrich. She's not one of my favorite people to begin with, but she has accomplished many things in her life (first female president of the Harvard Law Review, first female to run a presidential campaign, published a few books, mother). Yet according to her book, she considers her biggest accomplishment going from a size 12 to a size 6 dress.

Yuck. Seriously, how did we get here? A person can do amazing things, break barriers, publish books, become a respected analyst...all these things, and still not feel happy about themselves or worthwhile until she loses weight? I mean, seriously, size 12 isn't overweight to begin with! She wasn't endangering her health at that size...she just wanted to look smaller.

That is f----d up.

The reason I am discouraged about this is because when I told Jason about this, he basically said, "Well, who are we to judge what she considers her greatest accomplishments to be?"

Excuse me? It's like he couldn't see how incredibly sick this was. His attitude about it outrages and discourages me. It could be because he doesn't believe what I'm telling him about what I'm learning from the book. I think he thinks fat people are gross. It's sad because he is one of the least prejudiced people I know--he is kind to everyone--but when it comes to fat, he is different.


Part of me knows I cannot live in bondage to food, calorie counts, binges, etc. anymore. But the other part of me is desperately afraid that I will lose my husband or that at the very least, he will lose his attraction to me. (What happens then? Do I jump back on some crazy dieting scheme because of one person's--one very important person, mind you--thinks I need to be skinnier to be attractive to him?)

Part of me is scared that he's going to make our kids have eating disorders because of the way he talks.

Part of me is discouraged that I didn't marry a guy who is more concerned with the shit we woman go through. Any time I bring up any feminist issue (and I don't frequently), he clams up and freaks out.

I'm discouraged. Help.

Can I just tell you ladies how free I feel right now? I'm making biscuits this morning! I only eat biscuits on special occasions, or at least I used to only eat them then. Sure, I replaced half the flour with whole wheat flour and added some flax seed, but I didn't do it because I was thinking about calories. I was thinking about the whole grains my body needs to feel good. The few days that I've been trying to listen to my body, I haven't over eaten. I've eaten more small meals durring the day. Usually when I felt those hunger pains around 11 a.m., I would tell my body to be quiet because it wasn't time to eat yet. Now, I have a snack. I'm trying to eat slowly and focus on when I feel satisfied. Before, I was punishing myself for being fat. I'm realising now more than ever that my weight is not as much in my control as I would like for it to be. I took the advice from one of the articles and looked back at pictures of my family from as far back as I have them. The women on both side of my family have been well built. I wouldn't call them fat. They've all had curves, and they were all beautiful! I'm glad I'm not punishing myself anymore. That only led to rewarding myself on Sunday and feeling miserable afterwards.

A while back, Michelle at La vie en rose and her blog pals were doing a mirror meditation. They set aside a specific time each day for a month to meditate and practice speaking kind things to themselves.

I tried it a few times but to be honest I have a hard time finding anything good to say about myself.

So, I had this thought...

I know your husbands are like Mark in that they like, really like your body. So, stand in front of the mirror and if you can't say kind things to yourself at least say what they say about you....

I am sure they see us the way we need to see ourselves.

Mark thinks I have great legs. So, I'm going to stand there and tell myself "Mark's right - I have great legs." (and I'm not going to mention the varicose veins).

Mark thinks I have beautiful hands. So, I'm going to tell myself I have beautiful hands.

David thinks I have ____________________________________ So, I think I do.

J thinks______________________________and he is right!!!

and so on. Get the picture??

Read it slowly, out loud to yourself...


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

read the articles & make suggestions......

I read thru the first article that Kristen has linked below and then skimmed the second one - the first time. Then I went back, took my time, and read them both through again, taking my time and letting it sink in.

I think Kristen is onto something here. I think, well I pretty much know, that we should change our focus. We can all agree that in the past year nothing much has changed for any of us. We did pick up some healthier eating habits and started enjoying exercise but body wise nothing much changed - at least for me - how 'bout you?

So, Kristen. I'm open to suggestion. Let's see if we can't do something positive here about changing the old mindsets and actually start loving ourselves.

First thing I did was throw my food journal away.

I'm trying to work myself up to throwing my scale away (it's not as easy as you might think)

I'm listening...........

Light bulb goes on

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, ladies:

Weight loss myths (two pages; click on more at the bottom of the first page)

I've been doing some reading on this and it makes a lot of sense to me, but I'm still working through it. I think I've been living far too long with the

"If I don't look like a certain way (the way society wants me to look), people will judge/not like me or think I am lazy/self-indulgent/ugly/fat/worthless/unattractive"

and

"This food is bad/This food is good/Thin = good/Fat = bad"

mentalities.

I don't want to think or feel like this any more. There is a lot more to me than my weight. I am more than my shape.

More interesting reading HERE.

The scale was definitely NOT my friend this week.

Oh well.

Levi(who is skinny as a pole)was talking to me last night about eating healthy, which of course, makes me happy in my heart 'cause I'm always on them about eating better but then he started telling me about one of his co-workers (a 23 year old male) bad mouthing him about how many calories he was eating.

I told Levi that he needed to tell Robert to shut his uninformed mouth because he didn't know what he was talking about. I know how Levi eats and I don't think he could eat enough calories in a day to hurt him and he NEEDS to gain some weight.

I don't know this guy but he told Levi he only ate 800 calories a day. I told Levi to tell him that was just crazy talk. Not only was it not healthy but he would totally screw up his metabolism and is probably losing muscle.

People are so misinformed, huh?

It's Valentine's Day! Need I say more?

30 minutes on the elliptical
Added 10 lbs to bench press for a total of 75lbs
Lateral lifts
dumbbell curls
push-ups (yeah they were girl style)
crunches
crunches with a twist

Stayed well within the calorie range!!!! :)
Wanted to eat chocolate around lunch time, but resisted the temptation until it passed.

I bought this swimsuit yesterday for a little extra inspiration. I bought it one size smaller than I wear. I thought about going smaller, but wanted to be realistic. It will be one thing to lose enough to fit into it and quite another to look good in it. I will do it though!
With everything that was going on last week, I lost focus a little, but this is a new week and I'm more focused than ever.

Another day, another week to ...

write in my food journal
keep calories in check (1500 or under)
work out on the weight bench Monday (done) Wednesday and Friday
walk when the weather permits (not today, it's pouring down rain)(did get to walk yesterday though)

Still looking forward to spring and some decent enough weather to work outside.

I'm better today, thank you.

I returned the skirt, actually, I exchanged it for a smaller size and it fit nicely. I found a shirt that hung right and didn't cling to my mid section and I found a really nice fitted jacket for $9.00 on sale.

so, I'm feeling much better about life.

Oh, Gawd, I am so depressed.........

(picture me now slamming my forehead down on the keyboard and wailing loudly)

third day of my period and I decide to go ahead and weigh myself because it is Friday and it is the day I always weigh even though I knew better because I need to be losing 2lbs a week to reach the impossible goal I set for myself

stupid, stupid, stupid

the scales didn't budge, not an ounce, one way or the other

and on top of all that stupidity I bought a new skirt last night. It just looked so cute hanging there on the hanger so I brought it home with me

and this morning I tried it on and I looked hideous in it

I have no freaking waist anymore. I just go from huge boobs to skinny legs (well, they look skinny compared to the rest of me) no shape, unless I'm standing sideways and then there are plenty of curves. the curve of my fat belly sticking out. the curve of my big ass sticking out.

no waist

I put the skirt back in the bag to be returned

threw my food journal across the room

went upstairs and put on a big baggy shirt and a bigger sweatshirt on top of that

and just felt like crying.

I was thinking today about all the things I do to try to stay healthy and not get as big as a freakin' barn.

I've given up bacon, which I love so much that I could eat every day of my life - no problem.
I eat mustard on everything instead of mayo.
I cook fish at least two times a week and
one night we have a meatless meal.
I eat fresh vegetables and buy as many things organic as they sell at Walmart.
I drink water almost exclusively and if I do ever have pop, it is diet.
Any milk I use is either soy or low fat.
Low fat yogurt, low fat cottage cheese, fat free chips.
I have made myself learn to eat small portions, five times a day instead of large meals.
We eat a lot of chicken breast and very little beef. I only buy 90% lean hamburger meat.
I hate brown rice but we do eat wild rice instead.
I exercise 3 days a week and try to stay active in the house, in the yard, etc.
I keep a food journal count every bite of food I take to keep my calories controlled.

All these things and more and I'm still overweight. I am in good health though, haven't had so much as a cold this winter.

I'm just wondering how much I would weigh if I didn't do all this?

Links, links, beautiful links

This is a really good article; there's hardly anything stupid in it. :)

Fitness Blitz: The 30 Minute Workout

Check it out if you are interested in short and effective workouts. They actually split up the push/pull/horizontal/vertical movements like many of the top trainers and exercise physiologists do (rather than body parts), which I thought was just great.

_____________________________________________________________

Don't hate me, but...when I was in Denver, I bought an O magazine. I'm not part of the whole Oprah cult, but this magazine is great!

There was an amazing article on how to make new, better habits and why we tend to have a hard time changing our bad ones. It is long, but well worth the read. Here's the article on PDF.

Here's another article: one blogger writes about her reading of the article and includes a lot of quotes and the main points of the article. Check it out if you want. I'm not one for making excuses, but this article answered a lot of questions for me, and maybe it will do the same for you.

It really helped me understand why stress makes me revert back to eating junk food and lots of carbs. It also helped me see how I can "re-wire" my brain to consistently enjoy exercise and eating right: lots of rewards, total avoidance of places where I can fall (pretty much everywhere, but certain restaurants and situations make it harder), and exercising consistently (usually 2-4 weeks every day) until the dopamine kicks in and reminds me every day how much I love it.

Still working on PBJ time...hopefully good news soon!

I just found these healthy body cards
and am thinking about getting them. They could be a very nice V-day present to myself. I'm also thinking about taking a yoga class. I bought a video "Yoga For Whimps", but I think a class might help.
I tried a rootbeer made with cane sugar yesterday. Wow! What a difference in taste, and it has fewer calories. It's not something I could have every day, but I really believe that cane sugar is much better for my body that high fructose corn syrup. It was a nice treat.

So, last weeks workouts were cut short with the arrival of Taylor. I'm back in the saddle again this week. I'll be working out in about 20 minutes. I love working out in the evening. It really takes the pressure off of my morning routine. This week, I want to be more focused with my eating. One of the tips I read on SparkPeople was that if you struggle with wanting sweet treats you can have one 300 calorie snack during the day. I'm going to try that out this week and see how it goes. I probably won't have one every day, but I will keep it as an option. It's going to be a little hard not to over eat with all the stress that's building up over David's job, but I know I can resist.

Christi and I sat and watched marathon episodes of What Not to Wear last night. Watching that show made me realize a couple of things... 1.) I really do love clothes and shoes. 2.) I've convinced myself over the years since I got too heavy that I didn't care, but, I do. I would really like to be able to buy nice clothes and look good in them, not look dumpy or frumpy. and 3.) I really want to do this.

My weekend was good. I'm getting back to that place where I don't even want to overeat on my free day. The only indulgence I had was that I baked a rum cake and had one slice.

My goal this week is to keep up with my food journal & calorie counting, to keep up the working on the weight bench three days - Mon., Wed., and Friday while Seth does school, and to add some walking time.

Down one more pound.

I am within 20 pounds of my "happy place", not my ideal weight but a place where I could be "ok" with myself.

Push, Aola, Push.

This week has kind of sucked...

as far as working out goes, for me anyway.

I really need to make morning exercise non-negotiable. I can't make decisions or think in the morning, so why should I "trust myself" to make a decision to work out or not at 5:30 a.m. It just needs to be a non-negotiable. I am going. This is what I do. I drag myself out of bed and go.

If I can just do this on Monday through Friday (with the occasional Wednesday break), I will be fine.

Sigh.

I'm happy for the most part, but this week has kicked my butt a little and that's part of why working out has not been a priority. I'll get some working out in this weekend (hey, maybe I'll still be able to hit my goal of 4 workouts this week), and keep my chin up for next week.