Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

Days are better when you start them like this. Gina, Erin, and I braved the mornings winter chill to walk at my favorite park. Though it sits just off of the freeway, it feels like it's part of a wild wilderness. We walked for 45 minutes and the sun rose. It was chilly, but not too cold when we weren't walking into the wind. It was quiet and beautiful. It was hard to drag my butt out of my warm bed, but once I was up I felt great. I'm not sure why I deprived myself of doing this for so long!?!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I know this site has evolved into something far more beautiful than our original intentions of being a weight loss tracking blog, and so I feel a little strange about posting my goals here anymore, but this is as good a place as any. Not to mention, I think my mom rarely visits here, if ever, so I can post what I'm about to post without to much thought of her reading it and being so excited she calls all the family. (If you are reading this mom, please don't call everyone!) For the past several months David and I have been seriously talking about having a baby. I don't want to blame it on the biological clock, but we aren't getting any younger! It's nothing we are thinking about doing with in the next week or anything, but I would like to be pregnant sometime in the next year. Preferably within a few months after we move. Yes, I know the move will be hectic and crazy, but we will have so much family support that I don't feel the slightest bit scared about having a baby several months after the move. In fact, this is the first time I've been willing to even consider having a baby. That being said, I am in no physical condition to get pregnant. I know my body could handle it, but I need to lose a significant amount of weight in order to have the healthy pregnancy I want. So, I will begin again this year. I will eat more fruits and vegetables and less chocolate and sweets. I will walk with or without Erin and David. I will focus on my goal of being healthy and fit so that we can build the family we dream of. I have a friend who is encouraging me. She's lost a significant amount of weight and kept it off for over a year. I know it will take hard work and dedication. I know that I can't expect to change my body, but I can expect to make my body the best it can be. I'm not looking to be a size 1 or even a 4. I'd be happy knowing my body is at the weight it functions best at. That being said, my goal is to lose 10% of my body weight. Once I've done that I'll re-evaluate and see where I need to be. I'll also be making a doctors appointment to see what the good ol doctor thinks about all of this. Wish me luck!
(I don't plan on making this a big deal on this blog, but I will keep you updated.)

Monday, December 24, 2007

me, too!

you know i love you, right?
Your presence is my life is such a gift. I love you all. Thanks for counting me as one of you.

LOVE. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all....

Well, it is not snowing in Oklahoma today. It is almost 60 degrees and the sun is shining. The kids are out riding their four wheelers.

I just want to tell you all that being able to bounce things off of you over the past year has helped me more than you will ever know. I value your friendship, your wise words, your kindness, your encouragement and I wish for you the very best that life and love have to offer.

You guys totally ROCK!!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Happy Winter Solstice

Celebrate the light!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Sunday, November 25, 2007


I talked to my brother today, he was telling me that his wife, who is only three years older than me, is having so much pain in her body,especially her back right now, that she can hardly get up and do anything. She had knee surgery last year, she has trouble with her feet... blah, blah, blah.
My sister-in-law is probably one of the laziest humans I've ever known. She wasn't always like that but since her kids left home ten years ago she does nothing and I mean nothing. She sits in her chair and watches TV. She has gained 100 pounds in the last ten years, she smokes, she eats nothing but junk, takes tons of prescription drugs... and if she doesn't do something radically different, pretty soon she won't be able to get up and do anything about it.
This isn't a rant about what a bad person my sister-in-law is, it is a rant against getting older and lazy and allowing this happen to yourself.

A couple of months ago I made myself stop using the golf cart. It was just so easy to hop in Em's cart to go to the mail box or to the dog pen or up to Mother's, way too easy. So, I stopped. I make myself walk everywhere I go out here and it's a lot of walking.

I still haven't managed to get myself back into a regular walking routine - and shame on me for it.

I know there are things I need to be doing like weight bearing exercise and walking every day.

I guess I need a good kick in the butt to get me going again. I'm hoping that talking with my brother today will be some incentive.

I've been doing lots of brain exercise, I love the new DS and the game I bought, Brain Age, Brain Age 2, and Big Brain Academy.

So, if you feel like giving me a swift kick in the ass to get me going, please go right ahead!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The elliptical is my new best friend. We meet once a day and it's been good. I did take a break during my period because I was too moody and apathetic to care. I know it would have made me feel better, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
It's amazing to me how my attitude about working out can change so drastically from day to day. I recently went to dinner with a friend who has lost a significant amount of weight and was excited to talk to her about her journey because I assumed she was not in it for the weight loss, but for the health benefits. I was wrong. I left the dinner feeling so disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I think what she has done is amazing and I am happy for her, I just wanted someone who understood where I am coming from when I tell them that I'm jumping off the diet train and doing my darnedest not to get back on it. I'm taking the less followed bath of body love and acceptance and hoping that somewhere along the way I learn to love my body the best that I can and give it everything that it needs to be healthy even if I never drop a pound or change a size. I said all that to say that the weeks since that dinner haven't been so good. I have been eating whatever whenever just because I'm pissed that my size 16 body seems so deplorable to others that I need to starve it and beat it into submission.
I've since gotten over the bad attitude. I woke myself up and realized that eating myself into a size 24 isn't going to make matters any better for anyone. Besides, it was making me feel like crap and the whole point I'm trying to make is that I can feel good without being a size 0.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

I haven't picked a favorite yet on the new Project Runway but it looks like they have some real talent.

I just love Tim Gunn's show, I think it is way better than What Not to Wear but I still love watching Stacy and Clinton.

I saw an interesting segment on CNN this morning about a photographer in Israel who works for the top fashion magazine "elite", he is trying to change and is making huge changes in the fashion industry (at least in Isreal and let's hope it catches on here)by insisting that his models weigh in at a "healthy" weight. It all started when he found one of his models passed out at her home unable to move she was so weak - she weighed 66 pounds and died just a few days later in the hospital.

They actually showed pictures of her before she died. It was really sad.

We have got to put an end to that kind of madness with this generation of daughters.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

I have a question...

Levi is working out 3 to 4 times a week lifting weights. They do different exercises to specifically target different muscle groups each time. Levi is 5'10" and weighs about 140 - 145 pounds. His metabolism is off the chart. He just cannot gain weight.

He is wondering just how many calories he needs to be eating and how much protein to be able to gain muscle??

The guy he works out with told him some insane amount of protein which Levi could never do. He has always had a small appetite.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Rethinking Thin

Every time I say something like this, people look at me like I'm insane. It's sort of getting old. But here it is in the NY Times:

About two years ago, a group of federal researchers reported that overweight people have a lower death rate than people who are normal weight, underweight or obese. Now, investigating further, they found out which diseases are more likely to lead to death in each weight group.

I love this quote:

Dr. Gail, though, had some advice, which, he said, is his personal opinion as a physician and researcher: “If you are in the pink and feeling well and getting a good amount of exercise and if your doctor is very happy with your lab values and other test results, then I am not sure there is any urgency to change your weight.”

Gee, imagine that.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I'm wondering what your thoughts are on the HPV vaccine. Erin's doctor recommended that she get it today but I held off because I want to do a little more research. The pamphlet of information they gave me lists staggering statistics regarding the virus. According to the pamphlet, 50% of Americans have been/are infected with this virus. While not all cases lead to cervical cancer, many do making cervical cancer the second most deadly cancer for women. It kills nearly 4,000 women each year.
Of course, there are some downsides such as, it only protects against the four most common strains of the virus, the vaccine is relatively new so the long term side effects, if any, are unknown.
I'm so torn. I would hate to not give her this and then her suffer later. On the other hand, I'm not one to buy into the practice of over medication that seems to be prevalent in our society.

Monday, October 22, 2007

I haven't lost an ounce, but, haven't gained any either. But, like Sandra, I'm really feeling comfortable with my body. I wore my new Jag Jeans with my new boots to church yesterday. When we got home Levi met us at the door - this is my 20 year old who is hard pressed to ever give anyone a compliment and he said "Wow, don't you look sexy in your new clothes."

you would just have to know Levi to know what a compliment that was

My new make-up, feeling comfortable enough to buy and wear clothes that really fit, a new hair color and confidence enough to wear red lipstick has made a difference in how I look.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I'm trying again. My fridge is stocked with all the yummy healthful food this time of year has to offer. I'm committed to feeling better. Recently my eating has been less than healthy and I haven't been working out regularly. To help, I've put the entire family on a better eating plan. I want to make sure Erin, who has the metabolism of a humming bird, knows how to make healthy choices and understands that eating healthy is about so much more than being thin. In fact, it has nothing to do with it. I want to make sure that David, whose family has a history of heart disease on both is father and mother's side, stays well out of the danger zone when it come to his heart.
Ideally, I would like to start going for a walk with Erin during our lunch break. I'm going to speak to my boss about extending my break so that we can do this.
One reason I feel different about this time, is that for the first time, I'm not doing it because I feel sick when I look at my body. I am actually feeling very comfortable with my physique which is a new and glorious feeling. I am however feeling lazy and lethargic which is not how I want to feel at all! Any advice or encouragement is appreciated!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Being honest

All I want to do right now is sleep and eat carbs. Between nausea and fatigue, just preparing healthy food seems like too much--and exercise is a distant dream. My spirits aren't down at all; I'm too happy, and I guess this is normal...any thoughts out there, my ladies?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I have a consumer report for you today.

I bought my first get-started kit of Bare Minerals make-up. It comes with 2 containers of foundation, one of blush, one mineral veil, 3 brushes and a bottle of vitamin moisturizer.

I tell you what - everything they say about this product is true. I played with it a little the first night I got it and was so impressed with how it feels on your face (you can barely tell you have anything on)and how smooth it makes your complexion look.

We are going out this afternoon so I did the whole regime, adding eye make-up and lipstick. My make-up never looked so pretty, even Mark noticed how smooth it looks.

I'm getting bold in my old age - for the first time in my life I'm wearing RED lipstick and loving it.

Friday, October 05, 2007

I'm having one of those weeks...

yesterday I shopped and shopped and shopped. I bought myself another pair of way too expensive jeans. I bought Emily two dresses, one that I've been waiting for them to get back in stock so I could order it that was a really good price but then I had this crazy thought of going over to Nordstrom to look at dresses for Emily.

and, of course, I found the cutest dress ever for her and yes, it was very pricey and yes, I did buy it. ($113.00 ... oh, my, gosh, what was I thinking)

I had put a whole list of stuff in my cart at Old for Seth when the website started screwing up and I got mad and just left (whew!)

I bought Emily (and me) a Nintendo DS so I can play Brain Age (my brain needs all the help I can give it)and Em can play Kim Possible and Hannah Montana.

Speaking of Hannah Montana, I saw yesterday where tickets to her concert in Little Rock Arkansas were selling for as much as $2500.00 each. Whoa!

and now today I have made an appointment to go get my hair colored. I have no idea what I am going to let her do. I'm thinking a brown rinse with maybe some red highlights.

must be the change in the weather

either that or I have finally just gone ahead and let the hormones take over

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

What's new

Truly beautiful, Sandra. Thank you!

I put the latest Dove video on my regular blog, gals. I wanted to make sure you all saw go over there and check it out.

Is the weather changing workouts for you guys? My gym membership is up in two weeks and I'm thinking I am going to try working out at home (stationary bicycle, yoga/Pilates videos, walking/running outside when the weather cooperates) for a few months and if I don't like it/don't do it, I'll renew my membership in January when they have new member discounts.

Monday, October 01, 2007

I love, love, love the new look. Did you do this Sandra?

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Purple really is "the" color in fashion this season, isn't it? Everywhere I look I see purple.

Kristen, graciously, sent me the basic to-buy list from Tim Gunn's new show. I've been looking over it, window shopping online to get some ideas. I have another question for our resident fashionista, Kristen.

At the top of the list is a little black dress. I don't wear dresses well because I am several size bigger on top than I am on the bottom half and to get a dress to fit me in the bust it is huge in the hips. I looked at an empire style, but, feel like I am much too old for the babydoll look. Should I go for a skirt and top or maybe look at a wrap dress? What do you think?

I'm still looking at ankle boots - with no luck so far. I can't believe I'm having such a hard time finding just the right ones.

I ordered a pair of casual gray pants and a plum colored tee shirt from last week. I love the pants. They have a double yoke with the top yoke in a ribbed knit. They don't look like an elastic waisted Grandma pant but they are oh so comfortable. The tee shirt is just so-so, the color is a little more red violet than I had hoped for but I will keep it.

What are you guys buying for fall?

Monday, September 24, 2007

I woke up bright and early this morning and for some reason it was much easier than it has been in several months. In fact, I've been waking up at 7 am without the assistance of an alarm clock for the past week. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical while talking on the phone. (Sorry for the heaving breathing mom!) I did a little work on the Boflex and some more work on the balance ball. It felt great! I guess I was in a workout rut before, but I seem to be over that bump now. The weather here is spectacular! I wish that I was not confined to my office. Erin and I will take the pooches for a walk when I get off work. She is required to do 20 minutes of physical activity a day as part of the homeschooling gig, and it's one of the subjects she really looks forward to.
I made a deal with my twin sister to start one new thing every few weeks. So, this week will be exercise and since that isn't really all that new, I'll add in eating one salad a day next week.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


I had a crappy experience checking out a new gym yesterday. They automatically assumed I was there to lose weight. Um, no, I'm here to be healthy and stay healthy through pregnancy (whenever that finally happens--sigh). Thanks for assuming that since I'm not a size 6 that I want to be thinner.

Golly, I need to go do some yoga to get my head right. And then a nap.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

This Saturday Erin and I will be making the trip back home. No, not the one around the corner from my office, the one nestled in the middle of nowhere, my hometown. I'm extremely excited to see the family and friends I haven't seen in so long it's almost embarrassing. I'm also nervous.

The last time I saw my mom which was just over a year ago, one of her first comments to me was "I thought you were working out." I'm not trying to make her look bad. I'm giving an example of how my family (my mom, my sisters, and myself) have interacted for as long as I can remember. We have disguised our words as meaningless jokes and hurled them at one another. I like to think that we truly thought it was harmless at the time. That somehow we didn't understand the power words have. Sure, it makes us look silly, but that is better than the alternative of looking mean and hurtful.

It wasn't until I ventured out on my own that I began to realize that not all families communicate with mean jokes. Not all families torture one sister about her big thighs or another about her small breast. I have lived outside of the realm of daily interaction with my family for almost ten years. In those ten years, I have learned that words have the power to shape a person. Many of the things I have thought about myself and currently think about myself were formed by the words my mother and sisters spoke to me. To be fair, good things were spoke as well. I was praised for my mad clarinet playing skills and what they saw in me that was beautiful. Those words helped to shape me too.

Monday, September 10, 2007

I woke up early (though not as early as I wanted too) and did a warm up on the elliptical before doing some strength training on the Bowflex. I am getting the hang of that crazy contraption. It isn't as easy as they claim in the infomercials, but then is anything?
This week I am trying to remind myself that "my body is a temple". For a long time I used this phrase as a way to decide what I should or should not eat and it made me hate the phrase. Now, I want to use it in a positive way. When I think a negative thought about the way my body looks or feels, I stop myself and remember that my body is a temple. It's not a temple in progress or a dilapidated temple. There are no "under construction" cones placed strategically around it or "sorry the temple is closed for a remodel" signs on the door. Right now in this moment, just as it is, my body is a temple.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

My friend Kelly sent this to me, thought I would share it.


enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...


something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...


a youth she's content to leave behind....


a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....


a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...


one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...


a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...


eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...


a feeling of control over her destiny...


how to fall in love without losing herself..


how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...


when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...


that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..


that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...


what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...


how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...


whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...


where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...


what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Maya Angelou

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I took Thursday and Friday off to nurse an injured back. We were moving a large box and I was the one walking backwards with it when David warned me, a little too late, that I was about to step on something. I jolted and twisted my back in the process. It was really painful on Thursday, but is feeling better each day. Hopefully it will be back to good on Monday.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

While doing some research to back up a conversation I was having over at Etsy, I found this article. While it has a much stronger feminine tone than I would normally take, I did find it's points very interesting. I'm always intrigued at how we came from worshiping figures like the one pictured here to those of celebrities today. What are you thoughts on it?

FYI, I ruffled a few feathers over at Etsy when I posted the following comments. I'm still a little confused about how I offended anyone.

My original comment in a thread discussing plastic surgery.

My sister-in-law is going in tomorrow morning for breast implants. I say if you want it go for it, but it does make me sad that women in general are so unhappy with their bodies. I had a long conversation with her about why she wanted the surgery and what role the media and society plays in how women view their bodies. She disagreed with me when I said the only reason most women have work does is to fit into a stereotype created by the media. We went round and round before I finally gave up. The thing is, I think she is beautiful and it makes me so sad that she can't see it because she is so busy trying to fit into a mold that no real woman fits into anyway.
I'll step down from my soap box now. :)

To which someone replied ( allow me to paraphrase) that my dear sister-in-law was correct and that most women don't get implants because of what the media tells them to do and that only someone with "pretty" breasts would say that because they don't understand what it is like to not be able to wear cute sun dresses and outfits. I of course had to respond with the following:

I do not have what would typically be called beautiful breast. In fact one is an entire size larger than the other. Wearing cute little sun dresses or anything that is tight is out of the question if I want to present my body as "normal". This is exactly my point. Who is to say that my uneven breast are not beautiful or that someone else's small breast are not beautiful? Why is it that in general we feel that only one body type (large breast, small waist, with curvy hips) is beautiful? Who defines that as beautiful? If flat chested women with a tummy role were plastered all over the media women would be standing in line to get tummy implants and breast reductions rather than chest implants and tummy tucks. Don't you think?

What is your take? Am I totally missing the mark? Am I a media-hating feminist for feeling like the majority of women are changing their bodies because of the image they sell?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I did 20 minutes on the elliptical this morning and Erin and I are planning on walking the dogs when I get home from work. I'm excited about learning how to do squats on the bowflex tonight!

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Tomorrow I'm starting a regular work out routine and really paying attention to what I eat instead of just grabbing whatever. I'm not doing it to lose weight or to fit into some fall fashion. I'm doing it because my body is begging me to. I'll be updating here to help keep me on track. So please feel free to ask me how it is going. Tomorrow I will be waking up at 7:30 and doing the eliptical and bowflex. I'm looking forward to everything but the waking up part. :)

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I've been feeling rather icky lately. Not sick icky. Lazy, do nothing icky. It's an awful way to feel. So, I'm doing something about it. Yesterday I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and today I'm doing the 20 minute beginner workout on the BowFlex. I never thought I would say this, but I really miss working at Curves. Not only do I miss the rich conversations I used to have with the women. I miss being able to move around at work and not being stuck in an office.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Recently one of the things that I felt like I needed to do was to eat less meat. I've never been a big meat eater, don't even really like it and like the idea of eating animals even less.
Not that I have completely gone vegetarian but I'm eating very little meat, but, being careful to make sure I get plenty of protein.
I just feel better when I don't eat meals heavy with lots of meat.
I guess, that is just what works for my system.

It's about that time of year to really gear up your vitamin supplement program - schools back in session, cold and flu season won't be far behind. I've ordered our first round of colloidal silver, colostrum, bromelain w/quercitin,and liquid whole foods vitamins. I ordered Levi a round of multi vitamins for men and CoQ10 for his heart. I'm sure I'll add more for us as the winter months drag on. The change of seasons is a good time to do a cleanse. I normally do a light cleanse in the fall since I've been eating lighter foods (more veggies and fruits) all summer.

So, what are you guys doing these days to stay healthy?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

kind of scary

I have an appointment today with a new beautician to get my hair cut.

She is new in Allen. I don't know a thing about her. No one I've asked has heard anything about her work.

Maybe I'm crazy, but, I'm going to give her a chance.

I'm not doing anything drastic just a little trimming, a little layering - wish me luck.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Intuitive eating can be a tricky thing....

it's like I have a dual personality and each of them want to have a say-so in my intuition.

There is the side of me that wants to be, likes to be healthy so that I feel good, live longer, you know, the smarter side of my brain, but..
there is this other side to - the Ms. Piggy side of me that just wants to have fun, keeps telling me that life's short - eat cake.

Every once in a while the Ms. Piggy side starts to override the smarter side and I start feeling bloated and clothes don't fit right anymore which makes the smart side snap awake and go


It happened just like that Saturday night when I was trying on clothes trying to decide what to wear Sunday.

I've told Ms. Piggy that she was just out of control and needed to stop baking those yummy desserts. I don't care if it is too hot to go outside and do anything, you can't fill up your day baking and eating. Go sit down with a glass of water and read.

Monday, August 06, 2007

I'm thinking of taking a yoga class. I've tried the videos, but always seem to injure my back when I try them. I know I'll need some special allotment of time that is just for me once I start homeschooling Erin. I currently pay $39 a month for a membership at Curves that I don't use. I think it might be better used with a yoga or light stretching class.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

wound up tight

Do you guys have those hormonal days where you feel like your nerves are frayed and you just want to jump out of your skin?

I'm having one of those days today and I know it's bad when I can't walk by the cheese danish in the grocery store without buying one. Most days I can just walk on by, but, not today.

Funny thing was I mentioned it to Mark and as is his usual reply "yeah, that happens to me sometimes."

Really Mark????

Friday, July 13, 2007

Earth to Matilda...(or Kristen's Shape rant)

I should note that this rant comes from a frustrated place. I am four days late on my TOM, with no positive preg. test in sight. Grrrr. Confusing and frustrating.

Just finished reading through the latest copy of Shape. Well, skimming. I read the recipes (a few yummy ones) and glanced at a few exercises. This magazine was one of the worst I've ever received--definitely the wrong one for them to attach a re-subscription notice to.

I could talk about how ridiculous it is for them to put Hilary Duff on the cover (most 19 year olds don't have to worry too much about their weight). Or the silliness behind the whole "fitness/beauty at any age" theme (they generously cover the twenties, thirties, and forties--remember, we all die at 49*--while assuming that twenty-year-olds are out clubbing every night, thirty-year-olds are all bearing children, and forty-year-olds are working 60 hour weeks, climbing the corporate ladder).

I'll just mention the reader "success stories." These sections have long bothered me, and this month's was no exception. They recount what causes a woman to decide to lose weight (the "wake-up call"), how she did it, what she current eats and how she exercises.

I tend to think most people fudge a little about what they eat. Sure, they "typically have salmon and broccoli for dinner." Okay. A little spartan for my taste, but okay.

But the workouts these women put themselves through always surprise me. One success story this month said that this woman did 60 minutes of cardio six days each week and 60 minutes of weight training six days a week. That is two hours of working out nearly every day. This is what we are supposed to emulate? All to be a size 6 instead of a size 12? Is nearly 10 percent of your day, maybe 12-15 percent of your waking hours, supposed to be devoted to staying thin? (And that's just the exercise, that's not preparing food, menus, shopping, eating, etc.) Do any of her friends say, "You know, two hours is kind of a lot?"

Balance, people, balance.

*I'll concede that they probably do this because of their readership demographic. For some reason, people in their fifties don't want to see pictures of nineteen year olds doing lunges...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I had to travel to Mexico to realize I'm beautiful. It wasn't the place or the people though the men there do love American women. It was being with my beautiful sister-in-law and seeing how, despite the fact that she has a perfect (in terms of media expectations) body, she still isn't happy with herself. She questions everything about her body and is the most self conscious person I've ever met. I've always thought that if I could just be tall and skinny I would be happy and then I see up close and personal a tall and skinny beautiful woman who is so unhappy with her body that she tries on five different outfits just to go to the airport. What I noticed more than anything was how much attention and constant assurance she needed. For a long time now I've thought that the only thing more dangerous than a woman who thinks she's beautiful is a woman who doesn't and now I know it's true. The world uses that self doubt against us. It convinces women that their breast are not large enough and their waist is not small enough. It urges us to spend more money and time to reach the perfection it sells all the while laughing because it knows we'll never get there. It won't let us. A woman who is confident and happy with her body doesn't make them money. I'm not going to say that I've walked away from this experience with no self doubt, but I do think I walked away with a little more self love and a little better understanding of how our differences make us more beautiful. If I wanted to I could have surgery after surgery to make myself look just like the women on t.v. I could shrink my waist down to a less than healthy size and increase my boobs to obscene proportions, but I wouldn't be me anymore and the thing I've learned is that I really like being me.

Saturday, July 07, 2007


... a woman is harassed by the petty demands of her psyche which exhort her to comply with whatever anyone wishes.
Compliance causes a shocking realization that must be registered by all women. That is, to be ourselves causes us to exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.
It is a tormenting tension and it must be done, but the choice is clear.

Women Who Run With Wolves
Clarissa Pinklola Estes

Saturday, June 30, 2007

I think my stylist managed to combine the two and come up with something that worked for me. Keep in mind this is after a day of riding around in the car with the windows down. I'm still adjusting to the cut. I'm not 100% sure it's me. It feels a little more high maintinance than I usually care to be.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

So,these are the styles I like. You can see my current hairstyle (or absence of one) in the black dress picture below. I feel like I have to much fluffing out at the bottom and not enough at the top. (That's the case with my body too!) :) What do you ladies think? I want something fun and a little funky.

Back to Becky

I've been so busy, but i haven't forgotten our little project for you.

Enter the site, choose "Collections" and choose Summer Runway, and browse through the looks.

I like looks 8 and 14, though i am not thinking of exact and literal translations into your life: i am still thinking "guiding ideas."

they seem Hepburnian.

Monday, June 25, 2007

In need of an attitude adjustment

I thought I was doing really well for the past few months, but...

I'm in a major "I hate my body" headspace right now and I can't seem to get out of the funk.

It hasn't been triggered by magazines or models or television. I think it has something to do with knowing that this is probably the best my body will ever be (without me being obsessive about it or overexercising/undereating myself to oblivion)...and I'm not happy with my body right now. And pregnancy will most likely make it even worse. I mean, this is it.

I'm having a lot of complicated feelings toward my own body image/sexuality/marriage right now, too. I probably need to journal about it.

Anyway...just needed to be honest with my girls about how dumpy, fat, thighs-rubbing-together, icky I am feeling right now.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

I'm looking for a new hairstyle. Any ideas? I never know what is going to look good with my face shape. I want something with a little more volume up top as that area tends to look flat.

Friday, June 15, 2007

The last few days I have come here to WP, I sit and look at Sandy's smiling picture and wish I had something profoundly wise to say. The book I'm reading - Women Who Run With Wolves - has my head whirling. It has enabled me to see, to pinpoint, several areas in my own life where I have needed direction, some areas that I have managed to actually overcome in, and others that still need work.

Recently, Kristen wrote on her blog about feeling "called" to serve the elderly, a few others chimed in with the area they felt lead to... I have always known, well, I've known for a lot of years that the ones I want to serve are you young women.
The only true prophet that I ever felt like I encountered was a man named Andre from New Guinea. He prayed for me and spoke to me that I would have many daughters. Over the years it has come true and that's how you prove a prophet, right?

When I was in my 30's, I felt drawn to young teen women. In my 40's I had several 20 somethings that I ministered to and loved like daughters, now in my 50's, my daughters are in their 30's or close - but, most of the time I feel like I have so little to give, that I am just learning myself and have no wisdom to share.

Maybe if I live to be a 100 I will actually have gained some insight into this life we struggle with.

I learn so much from you younger women - you have such grasp on life, you see things that I missed at your age, and it makes me hugely proud to know such smart, strong women.


Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Dress

I know the dress is wrinkled, my hair has serious roots, and the tan is laughable, but what about the dress? Truth please.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Love this look

the confidence -- that's what draw me

Once again....................

My intuitive self was whispering (or maybe it was yelling and I just wasn't listening) to me YOUR EATING IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!!!!!! Em's favorite new place (and mine) is Doc's - chips and salsa and a half pound burger - a trip to Shawnee stopping at a buffet on the way up there - fried chicken and mashed potatoes. Taking Derek out for dinner at Garfields - another half pound burger and fries this time. Then the kicker.... shopping last night and I actually ordered and ATE a half pound container of mashed potatoes and gravy at the deli. Oh, my, gosh! How easily I slip off into thinking I can eat anything I want. stupid stupid stupid

I forced myself to get on the scales and sure 'nough, I had gained about 4 pounds.

So, this morning I'm trying to listen to what my body is saying (not my greedy appetite)and I AM going to start a daily walking routine again.

I have sinned - forgive me and I'll move on.

Monday, June 04, 2007

And Luisa Beccaria!

my fashion loves: a collage- Becky, I will try to do this for you with your answers:

At your left you see a winsome,slightly ethereal couple of dresses from Luisa Beccaria, totally Italian, feminine and... just lovely . in the one to the immediate left i see remnant of a Laura Ashley dress i used to wear to church, which had a lot of Anne and PEI in it.

and a clip:
from Sylvia

and... more later.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Creating a look

I want a look, a look that exemplifies me, not the latest fashion. I don't achieve anything that comes close to a look most days.

My closet is the closet of a schizophrenic. Voile skirts next to a straight black skirt and overalls.

So, people if you could dress me, dress me as my personality and if you possible my short body, what would it be?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Creative Tension

There are lots of ideas out there as to what beauty is and i think my feelings on the subject reflect lots of influences.
I am certainly NOT a red lipstick in the daytime kind of girl- not usually, anyway. I think that reflects my sense of moderation, as Aola suggests- enhancing looks.

Still, thanks to Kristen Sartorialist link, i am starting to open up to our presentation of ourselves as possible art form. I think that idea is as old as tribal get-up, and i think the power suit, strong make-up combo should be analyzed for what it is: trumped up insecurity or learned behavior. Of course, it now occurs to me that i think everything these days is about power. I think small and tight shorts are meant to garner attention and influence.

I guess i think it is fun to analyze what we wear and how we wear it in terms of why we do that.
So, looking in my closet i see: lots of easy separates, a cute and slightly funky dress from anthropologie, lots of fall foliage colors. I happen to love fall! And i love whatever it is that Anthropologie offers me:artsy-quirky sophistication? Individuality in the details, though, you know, tons of women love the store.

I think my mother in law is really pretty. at nearly sixty, she is very very active! she works out faithfully, mows the lawn every week, works at a mother's day out, maintains a beautiful garden, oozes hospitality, and engages readily with her grandchildren. All while wearing younger clothes than most sixty year olds- but she gets most of them from Chadwick's so you know they aren't scandalous! She's fun and she puts herself together well, though simply. She loves the color green and spends on her favorite lipstick. She also has the most delicate little hands. She accessorizes, she is playful.
She inspires me.

I have one of those husbands who prefer the natural hair and face look. The new pictures on my blog reflect his influence on my style. I am a lot more casual and in my own skin than i used to be. I think that is when i feel my most attractive, when i am having a really great conversation with Chris, calm and clean, minimal make-up.
Good Lord, i don't think i really answered the question!

Natural beauty

I ran into a woman yesterday that I have known a long time. Sandy knows her - Lisa.
When I first met her she was in her early 30's and although she was a beautiful young woman I thought she always looked mousy. It looked like to me that she was trying to look the part of a mature, responsible, woman. Her hair style was too old, her clothes too old and too modest for such a pretty young vibrant woman. Okay, so now she has done a total flip. She is in her mid 40's now with two teenage girls. She was over tanned, sort of orange colored, her hair color was some awful red, her shorts way too short and her top way too tight for anyone's mama to be wearing.

I have my opinion about what beauty is, and, of course, it is just my opinion, but I think a beautiful woman is one who knows how to enhance their natural beauty without using too much make up, one who can let their sexiness shine through without flaunting their body parts.

What is your opinion of beauty? and how do you think we achieve that?

I sort of have trouble finding a balance for myself. I never, ever want to be guilty of trying to look like a teenager or a prostitute, but I don't want to dress or style my hair like an old woman either.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

My life is a gift

I don't think we've posted these here before, but I thought these were really good.

From this website:

Affirmations for Compulsive Overeaters

1. My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.

2. I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.

3. I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.

4. My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.

5. I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.

6. Compulsive overeating is a temporary condition in my life.

7. There is a normal eater within me. I will let her/him take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.

8. I can imagine a life without being a compulsive overeater.

9. When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.

10. I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again!

Source: The Fat Fairy Godmother

Two, three and four really hit home for me. As I'm reading through intuitive eating blogs, it is encouraging to see how people have initally struggled and sometimes gained weight and really had to work on this. That's where I am right now, and I appreciate so many women sharing their struggles.

I have four books on mindful eating on hold at the library right now; it might be a bit of an overload (got a little carried away when reserving books online), but I figure this way I can pick and choose. :) I've been really fascinated by the way the French approach life and eat lately; I want to savor my food and enjoy it, like I've read most French people do.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

A couple of things from the Priestess Rachelle @ Urban Abbess:

The first one is a part of a meditation on the feminine divine -

(3-5 breath cycles each)
I am godmother, bearer of good gifts in time of need.
I am sister, who entwines my hands and my hair, my tears and my laughter with your own.
I am mother who baptizes the birth of new things in water and blood.
I am lover who bears within her body the power to bond and to break.
I am warrior, ready to defend her young and protect her brooding place.
I am wisdom who carries great truths in the lines of her face.
I am she who holds you under her wings.

You can read the rest of the meditation at Urban Abbess. I printed it so I could use it at home during my metta blast time.

The second is from a woman she met that is a Unitarian minister:

“Love is the doctrine of this church.
The quest for truth is our sacrament,
and service is our prayer.
To dwell together in peace,
and to help one another in fellowship is our deep desire,
that all shall grow into harmony with the Divine.”

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Have you ever noticed how things that are bad for you don't usually taste nearly as good as you think they will?? Take for instance, last night's brownie sundae... fudge brownie on the bottom, chocolate chip ice cream, and whipped cream - well, it sounded so good .... I ate about half and threw the rest away.

Whatever possessed me to make in the first place I'll never know because I don't even like ice cream.

Might have been the blues brought on by a killer menstrual period that has lasted 8 days so far.

Friday, May 18, 2007

A dress for Sandra

You know, for all the talking we do about bodies over here...I don't know your body type or size really, Sandra. :) You mentioned you want a dress for vacation...tell us what you're looking for (casual, dressy, warm, cool, short, long?) and we'll try to help you.

In the meantime...I think this dress would look super pretty on you, especially with your eyes. :)

Then again...this is super sexy:

I'm not a huge fan of the ruching, but if you like the black and white motif...:

Or something with a little more coverage:

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Just read this article today on the top eight strategies that work for weight loss according to consumer reports and wanted some feedback. Most of it is the same old stuff, but I found number eight interesting.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Ladies, make sure to update your links to this site. I changed the address to

Stinkin' cool

I knew I loved Kate Winslet. She recently donated a settlement she received from a British magazine that stated she was seeing a "diet guru" to an anti-eating disorder organization.


Monday, May 14, 2007

Food common sense

Here's a long but really good post about whole grains at Junkfood Science. I found the part about the fiber in coffee to be really interesting. The conclusion:

There is always going to be some potential loss of nutrients with processing or cooking of any food, but it’s easy to forget the overall positive benefits. When it comes to food, there’s no evidence we have to live in fear. Enjoying a variety of everything has never been shown to be harmful. Nor is there good evidence for an ideal, “healthy” diet that will prevent diseases (beyond deficiencies) or keep us from growing old. Again and again, it appears ‘enjoy everything’ is the best and soundest nutritional advice. And it’s sure a lot more fun and tasty.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Day Ten

i think we've been here ten days today, or we're on our tenth day now, and from the feel of it, this is going to be really easy.
at this point, i bet easy is just what a doctor what order.
most of my friends, including my sister, seem to agree.
I feel i am stabilized by being here. here, it becomes clear to me that i have been conflicted every single day for the three years' prior to our leaving.
though- and this is a bit of hard-won knowledge for me about myself- i am not primarily a thinker, so when i am conflicted i manifest other ways than in my stream of consciousness. i don't think confusedly, though i can at times be confused, but i feel anxious. i feel the conflict, even if i try to sublimate it with my thinking good thoughts over the tension in my back or soul.
all that has radically reduced. the little earthquakes in my subconsciousness are finally calming.
i miss a few of my friends (tiffany, brent, alex, tim). i miss my therapist. i miss our cars (we decided it was best to leave the cars since they weren't in our names).

but i don't miss the fog in my soul.

More good stuff

A cool article about embracing your flaws.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I went to Curves this morning for the first time in a long time. I feel great! Even with the free weights at home, I haven't been doing as thorough a workout as I would like. Curves offers a quick way for me to touch on all the muscle groups. I'm planning on going M,W,F and doing the elliptical at home every day for 30 minutes. My body and mood have both been tired lately. I know it's because I haven't been working out other than doing the elliptical. I am trying to lose weight not to fit into some media image but because I love my body and I know that I am carrying too much weight. It's made me feel slugish and lazy. I'm not going to set goals or time lines. I'm going to give my body what it needs and trust that it will take care of the rest.

I tried a cinamon dolce latte (sugar free and non fat) from Starbucks. Not really my style. I like more of a coffee flavor.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Lyrics to the Cheetah Girls - Cinderella

This is one of Emily's favorite songs:

When I was just a little girl,

My mama used to tuck me into bed,

And she'd read me a story.

It always was about a princess in distress

And how a guy would save her

And end up with the glory.

I'd lie in bed

And think about

The person that I wanted to be,

then one day I realized

The fairy tale life wasn't for me.

I don't wanna be like Cinderella,

Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar,

Waiting for somebody to come and set me free. (Come and set me free)

I don't wanna be like someone waiting

For a handsome prince to come and save me

on a horse of white

Unless somebody's on my side

Don't wanna be

No, no, no one else.

I'd rather rescue myself.

Someday im gonna find Someone

who wants my soul, heart and mind

Whos not afraid to show that he loves me

Somebody who will understand im happy just the way i am

Dont need nobody taking care of me

(i will be there)I will be there for him just as strong as he will be there for me

when i give myself then it has got to be an equal thing

I don't wanna be like Cinderella,

Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar,

Waiting for somebody to come and set me free. (Come and set me free)

I don't wanna be like Snow white waiting

For a handsome prince to come and save me

on a horse of white

Unless somebody's on my side

Don't wanna be

No, no, no one else.

I'd rather rescue myself.

I can slay (I can slay) my own dragons. (My own dragons)

I can dream my own dreams. (My own dreams)

My knight in shining armor (shining armor) is me.

So I'm gonna set me free.


I don't wanna be like Cinderella,

Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar,

Waiting for somebody to come and set me free.

I don't wanna be like someone waiting

For a handsome prince to come and save me

On a horse of white

Unless somebody's on my side

I don't wanna be like Cinderella,

Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar,

Waiting for somebody (oh -Oh) to come and set me free.

I don't wanna be like someone waiting

For a handsome prince to come and save me

on a horse of white

Unless somebody's on my side

Don't wanna depend

on, no one else.

I'd rather rescue myself.

Saturday, May 05, 2007


you ladies are such a reference point for me, a homebase for my soul, because you only know me honestly. i don't write words that aren't true and immediate for me and that, dears, is a really cool way to be known, sans the bullshit.

our little family made it out of texas and into Oklahoma three days ago. i am in T*lsa. and i am hoping to get in some face time with Aola while i am here. not that i exactly know where you are A.

in general, my spirits are up. there is a peace here- in the city and in my soul. we'd orginally planned on staying about five weeks, but we may stretch that out to three months. debt.

it would be best to stay for that long- but i don't want to . i want to keep the momentum and i am embarrassed to live with his parents for that long.
still, it is a smart thing to do and, as most people know, three months goes by REALLY fast when you are in your late twenties. fast fast fast.
it would probably take that long to set up a life in Chicago for ourselves, properly. and properly is the way i want to do it.
Judah seems to like "hokahoma" just fine! he has his cousins and two furry cats to torment. C's spirits seem to be lifting.
but me? i am on my own for the first time, no safety net, and am feeling overwhelmed. i feel impatient when i think about having to resurrect our finances over the summer.
Still, i realize taking responsibility for myself is the first real step toward independence and if it looks like spending the next few months here well. . . i can cope.
i still want to be rescued, but i guess that is the point.
do it myself.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

More good reading

I saw a girl last night at church* that I grew up with who has what most would consider a perfect body. She is petite but with nice curves--probably a size 4 at the most. One would probably think that she came by it naturally, but I know she is very, very conscious of what she eats, how she exercises, etc, and her natural body type is really quite a bit heavier.

Kind of makes me sad. All the time spent on how we look...when it's so little a part of who we truly are (in my opinion).

Anyway, ran across this interesting book review at one of my favorite blogs, Junkfood Science. My local library hasn't received the book yet, but I am already on the "request hold" list.

I'm off to read the author's article in Bitch magazine. This is promising to me:

Her personal essay appears in the Spring issue of Bitch, discussing the internal struggles women deal with over food and body weight, from feeling guilty about choosing a bagel instead of fruit to whether to go to the gym or get some sleep. “We are not our bodies,“ she concludes. “Our souls are not our stomachs. Our brains are not our butts. A lot of women have lost track of the truth that how we feel about our bodies does not have to be indicative of how we feel about ourselves....[T]he quality of your life is diminished if you think about food and fitness obsessively.”

She also makes an important point that:

It would be truly radical in society for women to stop settling for self-hate, to come to terms with their bodies and try to heal our self-images. And realizing that perfection is unattainable and in fact, uninteresting. There’s no global political prescription. You can’t take to the streets to change this. If people can individually come to terms with their own body, that’s huge. Besides, the quest for perfection is joyless and boring.

*Might blog about the whole church experience at some point, but it's a little raw now--plus, I know certain people who read my blog would be hurt/angered by it.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Has anyone thought up a new name for our site? I can't think of a single thing. I would like it to encompass the idea that women are beautiful in every shape and size.

I really want to workout, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea with this cold still hanging on. It's only 8 weeks until Mexico! I'm so excited! I bought the new Continuous Radiance Moisturizing Lotion from Aveeno. Hopefully it will give me that sun kissed glow! That reminds me of a question I've been meaning to ask. David's sister goes to the tanning salon and uses sunblock to protect her skin from the harmful uv rays. Does that help?

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Um, yeah

I think I just need to plan for the first three days of my period to be days where I only do yoga and rest.

I have no energy, I get migraines in the mornings that can last all day, and I'm in the bathroom every two hours or so due to heavy flow.


What do you all do for relief?
Just thought I would check in...

I've noticed that my eating habits are getting better over the weeks that I've quit obsessing over food. I naturally pick good snacks, am eating less (most of the time) and feel better about myself in general. I don't have to beat myself up on a regular basis to keep me in line. How funny.

I've actually lost a pound or two but must be where I'm going to stay because the weight doesn't fluctuate much.

I'm not doing a regular exercise plan right now but spend a lot of time doing yard work. I feel the need to get back to a regular walking schedule but it has been hard with all the spring rains - not much fun trudging through mud.

I ordered two new pair of really nice (expensive for me)summer slacks and have gotten one of them, the natural colored linen - size 16 (which is a size smaller for me) and they fit beautifully.

My favorite snacks these days are:

cottage cheese w/flax seed
yogurt w/walnuts, fruit, granola, and soy protein
frozen cherries (they help reduce the uric acid in my system)

How are you doing on your journey to learn to love your self more?

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Where I stand

I may die when I'm in my eighties and nineties like my great grandparents. I may keel over in my sixties. It may be Alzheimer's or breast cancer or a brain tumor or a bus. I may slip when I step out of the shower tomorrow, or I may have a disease right now and not even know it. I may have a random accident involving a yoga brick and a treadmill or a stiletto shoe and a steaming city grate.

I may not make it to 30. Hell, I may not make it to 26.

What I eat and how I exercise may or may not affect my mortality much in the long run. Booksellers and nutritionists like to make us think that eating almonds will add three years to our lives or that lifting weights will add two.

I know I'm not guaranteed those days or years.

I also know that eating well (and that can include a dark chocolate chunk cookie here and there) and exercising consistently can and will improve the quality of my life. Exercise makes me feel good--endorphins and sweat and kicking ass and setting PRs and meeting goals--all that. Eating well gives me energy and clarity and pleasure.

I want to still be able to take walks when I'm 75. I'd love to be running still, but I'll take what I can get. I want to do aqua aerobics when I'm 85. I want to be clear and remember my children and grandchildren. I want to eat strawberries and watermelon and have the juice run down my face and have everyone smile because I don't have to worry about being dainty or graceful anymore. No one will think, "But you were never a size 2." They will say, "She taught me how to make strawberry shortcake," and "I loved bicycling with my mom," and "She was always kind and loving and full of life--and she still is now."

But in case I don't make it that far, I want the here and now to be just as good. For me, that means running and lifting for pleasure. That means yoga for relaxation. It means eggs and fruit for breakfast with tortellini and veggies for lunch. With some kind of chocolate nearly every day.

That's where I stand.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I'm finding it difficult to not fall back into the "diet trap". My sister-in-law is doing the Zone diet and working out like a mad woman to lose the last bit of her pregnancy weight. At 5'7 her goal is to weigh 135 or less. She won't hear that it isn't a healthy weight for her. She can't see past the flat tummy and tight ass she wants for herself. It's a fight i'm barely able to take on for myself. I can't fight it for her too. I hope that she'll learn to love her body for it's curves and shape and admire her long legs and athletic frame like I do.
I'm feeling sad and depressed lately and trying with all my strength not to turn to food. I think I'm just really tired of my job and stressing over the move. I'm ready to be over with it. It feels like I'm living in the middle of two lives this one is just about to end and a new one waits to start. Letting go of this one is going to be harder than I though and starting the new one more scary that I imagined.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

I was ironing this morning, I like to iron, clothes look so fresh and crisp when ironed. While I was ironing and deciding what to wear to church tomorrow (which is, by-the-way, my favorite part of going to church) I decided that I needed to add a couple of classic pieces to my wardrobe. I bought a couple of cheap floaty skirts early in the spring but I wanted to add some better quality, classic pieces.... now what would that be.
I got out the Spiegel catalog and browsed thru.
I decided on two pair of pants.
One in a dark blue linen, very classic material and color for summer but with a little kick - wide legs.
The other very similar but in neutral, classic linen color.
I can add some color with cheaper shirts to go with.

Kristen - our dear fashionista - you were talking about adding more fashion posts to your blog - why not use the Skinny blog. I love your fashion posts and since we are done talking about dieting we could use this blog for health and beauty.

Just a thought...............

Monday, April 09, 2007

After too long a break, I've started working out again. The food thing is more under control than I imagined it could be. I eat what I want when I want. I don't obsess about food anymore. It's amazing how healthily my body wants to eat. Today I craved salad.
Laurie and I are going to Puerto Vallarta in July. I want to firm up a little by then. I've been shopping like a mad woman now that I've come to terms with my body shape and size. I would still like to lose a few pounds only because this extra weight doesn't feel like me. I'm no longer focused on a certain number or size, and I refuse to give myself a time limit.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Another video to inspire you

Sometimes when I hear a lot of sizes/inches, like in this video, it's easy to start comparing myself to the numbers. (I don't know if you guys have that issue, too?) But take the overarching theme of this and let it sink it.

So good.

(One f-word, so if you don't want the kiddies to hear it, watch it on your own.)

Friday, March 30, 2007

Ready for the changeover

In recent weeks, I've mainly just been trying to eat what I want without judging the food or myself. Sometimes that meant steamed cauliflower and broccoli, and sometimes that meant cookie dough straight from the package. Pancakes for dinner. Kashi Go Lean and strawberries for breakfast.

I'm not ready for a strict eating plan, and I'm not sure I ever want to do that again.

I think I'm ready for truly intuitive eating. I was thinking about this while doing yoga last night. I kind of see it as a continuum with bingeing/overeating on one side and rigid, "perfect" eating on the other side.

OVEREATING<------------------------------------------>STRICT DIETING

Both are done, in my case, to fill an emotional void/to counteract a negative emotion.

I want to be somewhere in the middle, some sort of balance. Not to overspiritualize it or anything, but I think that's what God wants for me too. Not that He's mad at me when I struggle with either one, but that He wants what is good for me.

Two other notes:
-All of my formerly pregnant friends (did I mention all of my best girlfriends were pregnant and had babies within the last six months?) are now all talking about losing the pregnancy weight and getting back into shape. They ask me for advice and I want to give it to them, but I'm really cautious about getting them obsessed with weight and the perfect body. And I don't want to trigger those things in myself either. Of course, pregnancy weight gain is a pretty normal thing, and it's normal and healthy to want to get close to where you were before...

-I haven't exercised this week except for yoga and walking, mainly because it's been that TOM and boy, when you are off hormonal birth control, the periods come back with a vengeance. I'll be doing lots of walking this weekend in Seattle with my mom, and then I'll hit the gym again on Monday. YES, I WILL. (That's me arguing with my inner voice that says, "Screw the gym and go back to bed.") Only eight more weeks of getting up before work to hit the gym. By summer I'll be determining my own schedule and I will go to the gym after I am actually awake enough to be happy about it. :)

How is everyone else doing?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Love it!

I saw this over at Big Fat Blog and just had to post it here! Enjoy! (I'll probably post it on my regular blog, too.)

It's funny, isn't it? How much of what we feel or how we perceive things is in our head.. my favorite line from one of my favorite animated movies, Chicken Run, "It's all in your head, Mr. Tweedy, it's all in your head."

I'm a little, maybe a lot surprised, at how just deciding to stop dieting has affected my whole attitude.
I'm not thinking about food all the time so I'm not hungry all the time.
I don't feel deprived or denied and that allows me to make better/healthier choices about what I am eating.
I'm eating less, feeling fuller, not stressed over food all the freakin' time. It is becoming something not so important. I've allowed myself the liberty to just go ahead and love food, because I do. I love to cook, I love to eat but because of the change in attitude towards food (it's not the enemy anymore)I find that I can cook something special or just a delicious meal and enjoy it without going overboard or feeling beat up over it.

And, the whole body issue is also becoming unimportant, not that I don't still think about it some but it's not always the thing foremost in my mind.
Maybe the miraculous is happening... I'm becoming comfortable in my own skin.


We are going to Dallas Thursday. I'm gonna be pissed if the new shirt I ordered from Spiegel doesn't get in here in time. I'm wearing jeans, hopefully my new little blue shirt, taking a blazer, and wearing comfortable shoes. It is a horseshow in Texas and we will be sitting a long time so I decided to go in comfort.

Friday, March 16, 2007

I know it is a baby step in the right direction but it was very exciting. This morning about half way through my bowl of oatmeal I recognized that I was full. It kind of startled me that I could be full on half a bowl of oatmeal but I was and the really exciting part is that I stopped. I didn't just go ahead and eat it anyway. I stopped, got up and threw the rest in the trash.

Yeah Me!!

Friday, March 09, 2007

Here we are again talking about how to break the stereotypical rotten-body-image thing that most American females are restricted by, and find a more shalom-like way to acknowledge, relate to, and treat our bodies... read more at Magpie Girl

I've been wondering about ways that we could make a difference. What could we do that might actually bring about a change in not only the way we perceive ourselves but how do we say to the designers/media/fashion industry that we are tired of them dictating the way women should look. I hear a lot of women's voices out there crying out but what could "we" do that will count??

Any ideas?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Add yours!

Reasons to work out (unrelated to conforming to the world's vision of perfect skinniness):

1. It just makes you feel good.
2. It makes you feel accomplished (setting goals and reaching them, lifting more, running farther, etc.) and could increase self esteem.
3. It's something you can do for yourself.
4. It's a great "excuse" for some alone time or some quality time with someone you love (walks with the hubby, etc.).
5. It's good for your health in myriad ways (heart, bones, muscles, circulatory system, respiratory system, etc.).
6. You can look at your sexy biceps/triceps/pecs/shoulders/quads/calves/etc. while you're lifting weights.
7. It diffuses stress and combats/alleviates depression.

1. I like that I am doing something that I know will increase the quality of my life not only now but as I grow older
2. It makes me feel strong.
3. I feel as if I have accomplished something good.
4. It gives me something else in common with my boys, we like to discuss our work outs.

And Kristen's own "why work out at o'dark-thirty in the morning":

1. If I don't get it done in the morning, it ain't gonna happen.
2. It's a great way to start the day.
3. I don't feel like ripping J's head off when he's whistling Silver Bells while I'm waking up
4. I don't feel guilty for missing my workout.
5. I start the day doing something for myself and myself alone.
6. I start the day with some much needed semi-alone time.
7. Lifting weights is a great way to get out aggressions so I can start out my day happy.
8. Running and other cardio gives me happy endorphins.
9. I start the day focused on my health, and I tend to make healthier eating choices.
10. I'm not as sedentary throughout the day.
11. I only have to do it until May 31 (the last day of my job)...after that, I can do it whenever I want to!


I can't possibly think of one good thing to say about working out that early in the morning except that I think Kristen is SUPERWOMAN!!

I do my work outs durning Seth's school time - picture me sitting on the weight bench next to his computer, lifting weights while he does school.
We all walk together, usually right after lunch.

Who's next?

Monday, March 05, 2007

I am having a little trouble finding a place of balance with the intuitive eating. I need to get the book but I'm really trying not to spend any extra $$ right now until business picks up.
Without the counting I'm having some trouble keeping my eating under control, like I'm on a permanent free day... I know the balance will come if I listen to my body and everything new has to be learned but tonight I'm feeling pretty down about my lack of willpower. I ate horribly over the weekend and it has lingered on into today.
Right now my body is telling me that it doesn't like it when I bake macadamia nut cookies so don't do it anymore and that it doesn't like it when I ignore my own good judgement about eating healthy foods and go off on a junk food binge... so just stop it.

The cookies are all gone.

I will eat healthy tomorrow. My body will love me again.

I don't particularly care for Tyra Banks and have been mad ever since they replaced the Ellen DeGeneres show with Tyra but I happened to surf by the Tyra show tonight and saw that it was about her response to the media calling her fat. I watched about 30 minutes of the show, the girl has got attitude, I'll give her that. She had all the women in the audience dressed in red with their weight in big white letters across their chest. At the end they peeled off the numbers, threw them away and said......


Friday, March 02, 2007

I'm starting to really like this Junkfood website

A long post over at Junkfood Science, but worth checking out when you have a couple of minutes nonetheless. I don't know if I agree with everything in it, but it's very interesting.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Okay, So I didn't throw the scale away,but, I haven't been on it in a while. I decided this morning that I was going to weigh myself just to settle a point within myself.
I had neither gained or lost anything - right where I was before.. before when I was counting every calorie, driving myself crazy over it, but, not making one bit of difference.
So, the point proven is that it really wasn't making any difference. I'm doing just as well with intuitive eating (even tho I'm still learning). I am learning, I catch myself knowing when I am about to go eat something because of stress or boredom and I just tell myself that I shouldn't - sometimes I listen, sometimes I go ahead and eat it anyway but I'm getting better with the listening.

How are you guys doing with it?

Monday, February 26, 2007

We had company last night. I fixed a huge meal - ham, potato salad, green salad, green bean salad, hot bread, and banana pudding. I didn't think I ate all that much I tried to listen to my body and stop eating when I was full but as I lay down to go to sleep last night I had that yucky way overfull feeling. I hate that. So, I lay there feeling like an idiot, talking to myself, telling me to learn to listen better because my tummy does not like the way it feels when I stuff it too full.

Listen up, dummy.

I did better today. I'm learning. At lunch today I ate a little leftover ham and a piece of bread. I had a small portion of potato salad on my plate too but I was too full to eat it and I actually got up and threw it away instead of eating it.

My boys are so good about knowing when to stop. I have never made food a big deal at our house. You eat what you like, if we have something new the rule is you have to at least try it and then if you don't like it, don't eat it. I've always told them that when you are full, stop, I'll throw the rest away.

I want to relearn that ability.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Normally clothes shopping perpetuates the diet/binge cycle for me. It goes something like this, I eat well and exercise. I go clothes shopping. Said clothes are unkind and won't fit in the places they should. I end up sad and depressed and decide to eat whatever I want because not eating what I want hasn't helped anyway. The problem has always been that I have a specific size that I feel like I should fit into in order to be beautiful, but I've never actually been that size, and trying to become that size feels like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Yesterday, I went shopping and made a conscious decision not to judge body. If I tried something on and it didn't look good, I simply thought to myself "this style isn't for me" and moved on to the next item. I paid no attention the size of the garment. I looked at how it hugged my curves and really paid attention to how I felt in it. It was a totally freeing shopping experience. I tried on things I never dreamed I would like because in the past I wouldn't have tried them on at all because I would have thought I was too fat for them. After my shopping experience, I didn't feel the need to eat at all. I felt beautiful in the new shirts I bought. I took the time to appreciate my body. I will say that it is still very difficult to go shopping because designers are not as appreciative of my body as I am. Why do they feel that anyone over a size 9 wants to wear a sack? I am reading "The Diet Survivor's Handbook" (thanks to Kristen) and am working through it's lessons. I'm trying not to judge myself as being "good" or "bad" about following the recommendations in the book. I'm opening myself up to this being a journey and allowing myself to experience it rather than control it.
Rachelle has an interesting post this morning about intuitive eating...

magpie girl

Friday, February 23, 2007

Kinda interesting

You'll see lots of studies like this one (and studies that are obviously completely skewed to find a result of "fat = death") if you read The Obesity Myth, but I just came across this one today: A study the media overlooked: being fat lowers mortality for women.

Her point was similar to what I've been reading:

"Sure, it could be said to be a minor correlation, but if it had supported the dangers of obesity it certainly would have been shouted from the rooftops. But since it didn’t, you never heard about this study."

I'm not sharing this with you all to say, "Everybody get fat now!" It's just interesting in light of what I've been reading lately. The whole "being overweight significantly increases your risk of death" idea that is so promoted in the media doesn't appear to be true. It's the risk factors that often (but then again sometimes do not!) lead to obesity (sedentary lifestyle, poor nutrition) that increases morbidity.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Where I'm At

I'm in my skinny jeans. You have those? Right? Mostly its due to nursing. Breastfeeding burns mongo calories.

I'm in the usual mid-winter cardio trouble -- not enought daylight or warmth to have good cardio-vascular endurance. As the days lengthen, I should be able to solve that.

Something about being Sam's mom has changed the way I see me. I feel pretty, confident. I feel like I can conquer the world. I'm not giving weight much brain space these days. I want to keep it under control, but I want to spend more time living than worrying.

A little discouraged

First of all, gals, I am reading The Obesity Myth by Paul Campos, and it is really good. The entire first section is Campos showing how many "obesity experts" (the ones you read about in magazines and newspapers constantly) twist studies to show how awful fat is. In reality, a fat person who exercises and eats fairly healthy will have the same mortality rate as someone who is thin. In some cases, the fat even seems protective against diseases. Furthermore, a person who is 75 pounds "overweight" (whatever that means) is often more healthy than a person who is 5 pounds underweight. These "experts" have powerful motives (financially, socially, etc.) to keep women losing "the last 10-20 lbs" over and over again, even though that is terrible for your body.

The first part of the book deals with the skewed studies; that is the hardest part to read, but also the most powerful probably.

I was particularly struck by a chapter on Susan Estrich. She's not one of my favorite people to begin with, but she has accomplished many things in her life (first female president of the Harvard Law Review, first female to run a presidential campaign, published a few books, mother). Yet according to her book, she considers her biggest accomplishment going from a size 12 to a size 6 dress.

Yuck. Seriously, how did we get here? A person can do amazing things, break barriers, publish books, become a respected analyst...all these things, and still not feel happy about themselves or worthwhile until she loses weight? I mean, seriously, size 12 isn't overweight to begin with! She wasn't endangering her health at that size...she just wanted to look smaller.

That is f----d up.

The reason I am discouraged about this is because when I told Jason about this, he basically said, "Well, who are we to judge what she considers her greatest accomplishments to be?"

Excuse me? It's like he couldn't see how incredibly sick this was. His attitude about it outrages and discourages me. It could be because he doesn't believe what I'm telling him about what I'm learning from the book. I think he thinks fat people are gross. It's sad because he is one of the least prejudiced people I know--he is kind to everyone--but when it comes to fat, he is different.

Part of me knows I cannot live in bondage to food, calorie counts, binges, etc. anymore. But the other part of me is desperately afraid that I will lose my husband or that at the very least, he will lose his attraction to me. (What happens then? Do I jump back on some crazy dieting scheme because of one person's--one very important person, mind you--thinks I need to be skinnier to be attractive to him?)

Part of me is scared that he's going to make our kids have eating disorders because of the way he talks.

Part of me is discouraged that I didn't marry a guy who is more concerned with the shit we woman go through. Any time I bring up any feminist issue (and I don't frequently), he clams up and freaks out.

I'm discouraged. Help.
Can I just tell you ladies how free I feel right now? I'm making biscuits this morning! I only eat biscuits on special occasions, or at least I used to only eat them then. Sure, I replaced half the flour with whole wheat flour and added some flax seed, but I didn't do it because I was thinking about calories. I was thinking about the whole grains my body needs to feel good. The few days that I've been trying to listen to my body, I haven't over eaten. I've eaten more small meals durring the day. Usually when I felt those hunger pains around 11 a.m., I would tell my body to be quiet because it wasn't time to eat yet. Now, I have a snack. I'm trying to eat slowly and focus on when I feel satisfied. Before, I was punishing myself for being fat. I'm realising now more than ever that my weight is not as much in my control as I would like for it to be. I took the advice from one of the articles and looked back at pictures of my family from as far back as I have them. The women on both side of my family have been well built. I wouldn't call them fat. They've all had curves, and they were all beautiful! I'm glad I'm not punishing myself anymore. That only led to rewarding myself on Sunday and feeling miserable afterwards.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

A while back, Michelle at La vie en rose and her blog pals were doing a mirror meditation. They set aside a specific time each day for a month to meditate and practice speaking kind things to themselves.

I tried it a few times but to be honest I have a hard time finding anything good to say about myself.

So, I had this thought...

I know your husbands are like Mark in that they like, really like your body. So, stand in front of the mirror and if you can't say kind things to yourself at least say what they say about you....

I am sure they see us the way we need to see ourselves.

Mark thinks I have great legs. So, I'm going to stand there and tell myself "Mark's right - I have great legs." (and I'm not going to mention the varicose veins).

Mark thinks I have beautiful hands. So, I'm going to tell myself I have beautiful hands.

David thinks I have ____________________________________ So, I think I do.

J thinks______________________________and he is right!!!

and so on. Get the picture??

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Read it slowly, out loud to yourself...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

read the articles & make suggestions......

I read thru the first article that Kristen has linked below and then skimmed the second one - the first time. Then I went back, took my time, and read them both through again, taking my time and letting it sink in.

I think Kristen is onto something here. I think, well I pretty much know, that we should change our focus. We can all agree that in the past year nothing much has changed for any of us. We did pick up some healthier eating habits and started enjoying exercise but body wise nothing much changed - at least for me - how 'bout you?

So, Kristen. I'm open to suggestion. Let's see if we can't do something positive here about changing the old mindsets and actually start loving ourselves.

First thing I did was throw my food journal away.

I'm trying to work myself up to throwing my scale away (it's not as easy as you might think)

I'm listening...........

Monday, February 19, 2007

Light bulb goes on

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, ladies:

Weight loss myths (two pages; click on more at the bottom of the first page)

I've been doing some reading on this and it makes a lot of sense to me, but I'm still working through it. I think I've been living far too long with the

"If I don't look like a certain way (the way society wants me to look), people will judge/not like me or think I am lazy/self-indulgent/ugly/fat/worthless/unattractive"


"This food is bad/This food is good/Thin = good/Fat = bad"


I don't want to think or feel like this any more. There is a lot more to me than my weight. I am more than my shape.

More interesting reading HERE.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

The scale was definitely NOT my friend this week.

Oh well.

Levi(who is skinny as a pole)was talking to me last night about eating healthy, which of course, makes me happy in my heart 'cause I'm always on them about eating better but then he started telling me about one of his co-workers (a 23 year old male) bad mouthing him about how many calories he was eating.

I told Levi that he needed to tell Robert to shut his uninformed mouth because he didn't know what he was talking about. I know how Levi eats and I don't think he could eat enough calories in a day to hurt him and he NEEDS to gain some weight.

I don't know this guy but he told Levi he only ate 800 calories a day. I told Levi to tell him that was just crazy talk. Not only was it not healthy but he would totally screw up his metabolism and is probably losing muscle.

People are so misinformed, huh?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

It's Valentine's Day! Need I say more?

Monday, February 12, 2007

30 minutes on the elliptical
Added 10 lbs to bench press for a total of 75lbs
Lateral lifts
dumbbell curls
push-ups (yeah they were girl style)
crunches with a twist

Stayed well within the calorie range!!!! :)
Wanted to eat chocolate around lunch time, but resisted the temptation until it passed.

I bought this swimsuit yesterday for a little extra inspiration. I bought it one size smaller than I wear. I thought about going smaller, but wanted to be realistic. It will be one thing to lose enough to fit into it and quite another to look good in it. I will do it though!
With everything that was going on last week, I lost focus a little, but this is a new week and I'm more focused than ever.
Another day, another week to ...

write in my food journal
keep calories in check (1500 or under)
work out on the weight bench Monday (done) Wednesday and Friday
walk when the weather permits (not today, it's pouring down rain)(did get to walk yesterday though)

Still looking forward to spring and some decent enough weather to work outside.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I'm better today, thank you.

I returned the skirt, actually, I exchanged it for a smaller size and it fit nicely. I found a shirt that hung right and didn't cling to my mid section and I found a really nice fitted jacket for $9.00 on sale.

so, I'm feeling much better about life.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Oh, Gawd, I am so depressed.........

(picture me now slamming my forehead down on the keyboard and wailing loudly)

third day of my period and I decide to go ahead and weigh myself because it is Friday and it is the day I always weigh even though I knew better because I need to be losing 2lbs a week to reach the impossible goal I set for myself

stupid, stupid, stupid

the scales didn't budge, not an ounce, one way or the other

and on top of all that stupidity I bought a new skirt last night. It just looked so cute hanging there on the hanger so I brought it home with me

and this morning I tried it on and I looked hideous in it

I have no freaking waist anymore. I just go from huge boobs to skinny legs (well, they look skinny compared to the rest of me) no shape, unless I'm standing sideways and then there are plenty of curves. the curve of my fat belly sticking out. the curve of my big ass sticking out.

no waist

I put the skirt back in the bag to be returned

threw my food journal across the room

went upstairs and put on a big baggy shirt and a bigger sweatshirt on top of that

and just felt like crying.