Hokahoma

you ladies are such a reference point for me, a homebase for my soul, because you only know me honestly. i don't write words that aren't true and immediate for me and that, dears, is a really cool way to be known, sans the bullshit.

our little family made it out of texas and into Oklahoma three days ago. i am in T*lsa. and i am hoping to get in some face time with Aola while i am here. not that i exactly know where you are A.

in general, my spirits are up. there is a peace here- in the city and in my soul. we'd orginally planned on staying about five weeks, but we may stretch that out to three months. debt.

it would be best to stay for that long- but i don't want to . i want to keep the momentum and i am embarrassed to live with his parents for that long.
still, it is a smart thing to do and, as most people know, three months goes by REALLY fast when you are in your late twenties. fast fast fast.
it would probably take that long to set up a life in Chicago for ourselves, properly. and properly is the way i want to do it.
Judah seems to like "hokahoma" just fine! he has his cousins and two furry cats to torment. C's spirits seem to be lifting.
but me? i am on my own for the first time, no safety net, and am feeling overwhelmed. i feel impatient when i think about having to resurrect our finances over the summer.
Still, i realize taking responsibility for myself is the first real step toward independence and if it looks like spending the next few months here well. . . i can cope.
i still want to be rescued, but i guess that is the point.
do it myself.

More good reading

I saw a girl last night at church* that I grew up with who has what most would consider a perfect body. She is petite but with nice curves--probably a size 4 at the most. One would probably think that she came by it naturally, but I know she is very, very conscious of what she eats, how she exercises, etc, and her natural body type is really quite a bit heavier.

Kind of makes me sad. All the time spent on how we look...when it's so little a part of who we truly are (in my opinion).

Anyway, ran across this interesting book review at one of my favorite blogs, Junkfood Science. My local library hasn't received the book yet, but I am already on the "request hold" list.

I'm off to read the author's article in Bitch magazine. This is promising to me:

Her personal essay appears in the Spring issue of Bitch, discussing the internal struggles women deal with over food and body weight, from feeling guilty about choosing a bagel instead of fruit to whether to go to the gym or get some sleep. “We are not our bodies,“ she concludes. “Our souls are not our stomachs. Our brains are not our butts. A lot of women have lost track of the truth that how we feel about our bodies does not have to be indicative of how we feel about ourselves....[T]he quality of your life is diminished if you think about food and fitness obsessively.”

She also makes an important point that:

It would be truly radical in society for women to stop settling for self-hate, to come to terms with their bodies and try to heal our self-images. And realizing that perfection is unattainable and in fact, uninteresting. There’s no global political prescription. You can’t take to the streets to change this. If people can individually come to terms with their own body, that’s huge. Besides, the quest for perfection is joyless and boring.

Amen.

*Might blog about the whole church experience at some point, but it's a little raw now--plus, I know certain people who read my blog would be hurt/angered by it.

Has anyone thought up a new name for our site? I can't think of a single thing. I would like it to encompass the idea that women are beautiful in every shape and size.

I really want to workout, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea with this cold still hanging on. It's only 8 weeks until Mexico! I'm so excited! I bought the new Continuous Radiance Moisturizing Lotion from Aveeno. Hopefully it will give me that sun kissed glow! That reminds me of a question I've been meaning to ask. David's sister goes to the tanning salon and uses sunblock to protect her skin from the harmful uv rays. Does that help?

Some good reading for today

A short essay with important words.

Love to my chicas!

Um, yeah

I think I just need to plan for the first three days of my period to be days where I only do yoga and rest.

I have no energy, I get migraines in the mornings that can last all day, and I'm in the bathroom every two hours or so due to heavy flow.

BLAH.

What do you all do for relief?

Just thought I would check in...

I've noticed that my eating habits are getting better over the weeks that I've quit obsessing over food. I naturally pick good snacks, am eating less (most of the time) and feel better about myself in general. I don't have to beat myself up on a regular basis to keep me in line. How funny.

I've actually lost a pound or two but must be where I'm going to stay because the weight doesn't fluctuate much.

I'm not doing a regular exercise plan right now but spend a lot of time doing yard work. I feel the need to get back to a regular walking schedule but it has been hard with all the spring rains - not much fun trudging through mud.

I ordered two new pair of really nice (expensive for me)summer slacks and have gotten one of them, the natural colored linen - size 16 (which is a size smaller for me) and they fit beautifully.

My favorite snacks these days are:

cottage cheese w/flax seed
yogurt w/walnuts, fruit, granola, and soy protein
frozen cherries (they help reduce the uric acid in my system)

How are you doing on your journey to learn to love your self more?

Where I stand

I may die when I'm in my eighties and nineties like my great grandparents. I may keel over in my sixties. It may be Alzheimer's or breast cancer or a brain tumor or a bus. I may slip when I step out of the shower tomorrow, or I may have a disease right now and not even know it. I may have a random accident involving a yoga brick and a treadmill or a stiletto shoe and a steaming city grate.

I may not make it to 30. Hell, I may not make it to 26.

What I eat and how I exercise may or may not affect my mortality much in the long run. Booksellers and nutritionists like to make us think that eating almonds will add three years to our lives or that lifting weights will add two.

I know I'm not guaranteed those days or years.

I also know that eating well (and that can include a dark chocolate chunk cookie here and there) and exercising consistently can and will improve the quality of my life. Exercise makes me feel good--endorphins and sweat and kicking ass and setting PRs and meeting goals--all that. Eating well gives me energy and clarity and pleasure.

I want to still be able to take walks when I'm 75. I'd love to be running still, but I'll take what I can get. I want to do aqua aerobics when I'm 85. I want to be clear and remember my children and grandchildren. I want to eat strawberries and watermelon and have the juice run down my face and have everyone smile because I don't have to worry about being dainty or graceful anymore. No one will think, "But you were never a size 2." They will say, "She taught me how to make strawberry shortcake," and "I loved bicycling with my mom," and "She was always kind and loving and full of life--and she still is now."

But in case I don't make it that far, I want the here and now to be just as good. For me, that means running and lifting for pleasure. That means yoga for relaxation. It means eggs and fruit for breakfast with tortellini and veggies for lunch. With some kind of chocolate nearly every day.

That's where I stand.

I'm finding it difficult to not fall back into the "diet trap". My sister-in-law is doing the Zone diet and working out like a mad woman to lose the last bit of her pregnancy weight. At 5'7 her goal is to weigh 135 or less. She won't hear that it isn't a healthy weight for her. She can't see past the flat tummy and tight ass she wants for herself. It's a fight i'm barely able to take on for myself. I can't fight it for her too. I hope that she'll learn to love her body for it's curves and shape and admire her long legs and athletic frame like I do.
I'm feeling sad and depressed lately and trying with all my strength not to turn to food. I think I'm just really tired of my job and stressing over the move. I'm ready to be over with it. It feels like I'm living in the middle of two lives this one is just about to end and a new one waits to start. Letting go of this one is going to be harder than I though and starting the new one more scary that I imagined.

I was ironing this morning, I like to iron, clothes look so fresh and crisp when ironed. While I was ironing and deciding what to wear to church tomorrow (which is, by-the-way, my favorite part of going to church) I decided that I needed to add a couple of classic pieces to my wardrobe. I bought a couple of cheap floaty skirts early in the spring but I wanted to add some better quality, classic pieces.... now what would that be.
I got out the Spiegel catalog and browsed thru.
I decided on two pair of pants.
One in a dark blue linen, very classic material and color for summer but with a little kick - wide legs.
The other very similar but in neutral, classic linen color.
I can add some color with cheaper shirts to go with.

Kristen - our dear fashionista - you were talking about adding more fashion posts to your blog - why not use the Skinny blog. I love your fashion posts and since we are done talking about dieting we could use this blog for health and beauty.

Just a thought...............

After too long a break, I've started working out again. The food thing is more under control than I imagined it could be. I eat what I want when I want. I don't obsess about food anymore. It's amazing how healthily my body wants to eat. Today I craved salad.
Laurie and I are going to Puerto Vallarta in July. I want to firm up a little by then. I've been shopping like a mad woman now that I've come to terms with my body shape and size. I would still like to lose a few pounds only because this extra weight doesn't feel like me. I'm no longer focused on a certain number or size, and I refuse to give myself a time limit.

Another video to inspire you

Sometimes when I hear a lot of sizes/inches, like in this video, it's easy to start comparing myself to the numbers. (I don't know if you guys have that issue, too?) But take the overarching theme of this and let it sink it.

So good.

(One f-word, so if you don't want the kiddies to hear it, watch it on your own.)

Ready for the changeover

In recent weeks, I've mainly just been trying to eat what I want without judging the food or myself. Sometimes that meant steamed cauliflower and broccoli, and sometimes that meant cookie dough straight from the package. Pancakes for dinner. Kashi Go Lean and strawberries for breakfast.

I'm not ready for a strict eating plan, and I'm not sure I ever want to do that again.

I think I'm ready for truly intuitive eating. I was thinking about this while doing yoga last night. I kind of see it as a continuum with bingeing/overeating on one side and rigid, "perfect" eating on the other side.

OVEREATING<------------------------------------------>STRICT DIETING

Both are done, in my case, to fill an emotional void/to counteract a negative emotion.

I want to be somewhere in the middle, some sort of balance. Not to overspiritualize it or anything, but I think that's what God wants for me too. Not that He's mad at me when I struggle with either one, but that He wants what is good for me.

Two other notes:
-All of my formerly pregnant friends (did I mention all of my best girlfriends were pregnant and had babies within the last six months?) are now all talking about losing the pregnancy weight and getting back into shape. They ask me for advice and I want to give it to them, but I'm really cautious about getting them obsessed with weight and the perfect body. And I don't want to trigger those things in myself either. Of course, pregnancy weight gain is a pretty normal thing, and it's normal and healthy to want to get close to where you were before...

-I haven't exercised this week except for yoga and walking, mainly because it's been that TOM and boy, when you are off hormonal birth control, the periods come back with a vengeance. I'll be doing lots of walking this weekend in Seattle with my mom, and then I'll hit the gym again on Monday. YES, I WILL. (That's me arguing with my inner voice that says, "Screw the gym and go back to bed.") Only eight more weeks of getting up before work to hit the gym. By summer I'll be determining my own schedule and I will go to the gym after I am actually awake enough to be happy about it. :)

How is everyone else doing?

Love it!

I saw this over at Big Fat Blog and just had to post it here! Enjoy! (I'll probably post it on my regular blog, too.)

It's funny, isn't it? How much of what we feel or how we perceive things is in our head.. my favorite line from one of my favorite animated movies, Chicken Run, "It's all in your head, Mr. Tweedy, it's all in your head."

I'm a little, maybe a lot surprised, at how just deciding to stop dieting has affected my whole attitude.
I'm not thinking about food all the time so I'm not hungry all the time.
I don't feel deprived or denied and that allows me to make better/healthier choices about what I am eating.
I'm eating less, feeling fuller, not stressed over food all the freakin' time. It is becoming something not so important. I've allowed myself the liberty to just go ahead and love food, because I do. I love to cook, I love to eat but because of the change in attitude towards food (it's not the enemy anymore)I find that I can cook something special or just a delicious meal and enjoy it without going overboard or feeling beat up over it.

And, the whole body issue is also becoming unimportant, not that I don't still think about it some but it's not always the thing foremost in my mind.
Maybe the miraculous is happening... I'm becoming comfortable in my own skin.

Wow!!

We are going to Dallas Thursday. I'm gonna be pissed if the new shirt I ordered from Spiegel doesn't get in here in time. I'm wearing jeans, hopefully my new little blue shirt, taking a blazer, and wearing comfortable shoes. It is a horseshow in Texas and we will be sitting a long time so I decided to go in comfort.

I know it is a baby step in the right direction but it was very exciting. This morning about half way through my bowl of oatmeal I recognized that I was full. It kind of startled me that I could be full on half a bowl of oatmeal but I was and the really exciting part is that I stopped. I didn't just go ahead and eat it anyway. I stopped, got up and threw the rest in the trash.

Yeah Me!!

Here we are again talking about how to break the stereotypical rotten-body-image thing that most American females are restricted by, and find a more shalom-like way to acknowledge, relate to, and treat our bodies... read more at Magpie Girl

I've been wondering about ways that we could make a difference. What could we do that might actually bring about a change in not only the way we perceive ourselves but how do we say to the designers/media/fashion industry that we are tired of them dictating the way women should look. I hear a lot of women's voices out there crying out but what could "we" do that will count??

Any ideas?

Add yours!

Reasons to work out (unrelated to conforming to the world's vision of perfect skinniness):

1. It just makes you feel good.
2. It makes you feel accomplished (setting goals and reaching them, lifting more, running farther, etc.) and could increase self esteem.
3. It's something you can do for yourself.
4. It's a great "excuse" for some alone time or some quality time with someone you love (walks with the hubby, etc.).
5. It's good for your health in myriad ways (heart, bones, muscles, circulatory system, respiratory system, etc.).
6. You can look at your sexy biceps/triceps/pecs/shoulders/quads/calves/etc. while you're lifting weights.
7. It diffuses stress and combats/alleviates depression.
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Aola
1. I like that I am doing something that I know will increase the quality of my life not only now but as I grow older
2. It makes me feel strong.
3. I feel as if I have accomplished something good.
4. It gives me something else in common with my boys, we like to discuss our work outs.



And Kristen's own "why work out at o'dark-thirty in the morning":

1. If I don't get it done in the morning, it ain't gonna happen.
2. It's a great way to start the day.
3. I don't feel like ripping J's head off when he's whistling Silver Bells while I'm waking up
4. I don't feel guilty for missing my workout.
5. I start the day doing something for myself and myself alone.
6. I start the day with some much needed semi-alone time.
7. Lifting weights is a great way to get out aggressions so I can start out my day happy.
8. Running and other cardio gives me happy endorphins.
9. I start the day focused on my health, and I tend to make healthier eating choices.
10. I'm not as sedentary throughout the day.
11. I only have to do it until May 31 (the last day of my job)...after that, I can do it whenever I want to!

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Aola
I can't possibly think of one good thing to say about working out that early in the morning except that I think Kristen is SUPERWOMAN!!

I do my work outs durning Seth's school time - picture me sitting on the weight bench next to his computer, lifting weights while he does school.
We all walk together, usually right after lunch.

Who's next?

I am having a little trouble finding a place of balance with the intuitive eating. I need to get the book but I'm really trying not to spend any extra $$ right now until business picks up.
Without the counting I'm having some trouble keeping my eating under control, like I'm on a permanent free day... I know the balance will come if I listen to my body and everything new has to be learned but tonight I'm feeling pretty down about my lack of willpower. I ate horribly over the weekend and it has lingered on into today.
Right now my body is telling me that it doesn't like it when I bake macadamia nut cookies so don't do it anymore and that it doesn't like it when I ignore my own good judgement about eating healthy foods and go off on a junk food binge... so just stop it.

The cookies are all gone.

I will eat healthy tomorrow. My body will love me again.

I don't particularly care for Tyra Banks and have been mad ever since they replaced the Ellen DeGeneres show with Tyra but I happened to surf by the Tyra show tonight and saw that it was about her response to the media calling her fat. I watched about 30 minutes of the show, the girl has got attitude, I'll give her that. She had all the women in the audience dressed in red with their weight in big white letters across their chest. At the end they peeled off the numbers, threw them away and said......

SO WHAT

I'm starting to really like this Junkfood website

A long post over at Junkfood Science, but worth checking out when you have a couple of minutes nonetheless. I don't know if I agree with everything in it, but it's very interesting.

Okay, So I didn't throw the scale away,but, I haven't been on it in a while. I decided this morning that I was going to weigh myself just to settle a point within myself.
I had neither gained or lost anything - right where I was before.. before when I was counting every calorie, driving myself crazy over it, but, not making one bit of difference.
So, the point proven is that it really wasn't making any difference. I'm doing just as well with intuitive eating (even tho I'm still learning). I am learning, I catch myself knowing when I am about to go eat something because of stress or boredom and I just tell myself that I shouldn't - sometimes I listen, sometimes I go ahead and eat it anyway but I'm getting better with the listening.

How are you guys doing with it?