Ready for the changeover

In recent weeks, I've mainly just been trying to eat what I want without judging the food or myself. Sometimes that meant steamed cauliflower and broccoli, and sometimes that meant cookie dough straight from the package. Pancakes for dinner. Kashi Go Lean and strawberries for breakfast.

I'm not ready for a strict eating plan, and I'm not sure I ever want to do that again.

I think I'm ready for truly intuitive eating. I was thinking about this while doing yoga last night. I kind of see it as a continuum with bingeing/overeating on one side and rigid, "perfect" eating on the other side.

OVEREATING<------------------------------------------>STRICT DIETING

Both are done, in my case, to fill an emotional void/to counteract a negative emotion.

I want to be somewhere in the middle, some sort of balance. Not to overspiritualize it or anything, but I think that's what God wants for me too. Not that He's mad at me when I struggle with either one, but that He wants what is good for me.

Two other notes:
-All of my formerly pregnant friends (did I mention all of my best girlfriends were pregnant and had babies within the last six months?) are now all talking about losing the pregnancy weight and getting back into shape. They ask me for advice and I want to give it to them, but I'm really cautious about getting them obsessed with weight and the perfect body. And I don't want to trigger those things in myself either. Of course, pregnancy weight gain is a pretty normal thing, and it's normal and healthy to want to get close to where you were before...

-I haven't exercised this week except for yoga and walking, mainly because it's been that TOM and boy, when you are off hormonal birth control, the periods come back with a vengeance. I'll be doing lots of walking this weekend in Seattle with my mom, and then I'll hit the gym again on Monday. YES, I WILL. (That's me arguing with my inner voice that says, "Screw the gym and go back to bed.") Only eight more weeks of getting up before work to hit the gym. By summer I'll be determining my own schedule and I will go to the gym after I am actually awake enough to be happy about it. :)

How is everyone else doing?

Love it!

I saw this over at Big Fat Blog and just had to post it here! Enjoy! (I'll probably post it on my regular blog, too.)

It's funny, isn't it? How much of what we feel or how we perceive things is in our head.. my favorite line from one of my favorite animated movies, Chicken Run, "It's all in your head, Mr. Tweedy, it's all in your head."

I'm a little, maybe a lot surprised, at how just deciding to stop dieting has affected my whole attitude.
I'm not thinking about food all the time so I'm not hungry all the time.
I don't feel deprived or denied and that allows me to make better/healthier choices about what I am eating.
I'm eating less, feeling fuller, not stressed over food all the freakin' time. It is becoming something not so important. I've allowed myself the liberty to just go ahead and love food, because I do. I love to cook, I love to eat but because of the change in attitude towards food (it's not the enemy anymore)I find that I can cook something special or just a delicious meal and enjoy it without going overboard or feeling beat up over it.

And, the whole body issue is also becoming unimportant, not that I don't still think about it some but it's not always the thing foremost in my mind.
Maybe the miraculous is happening... I'm becoming comfortable in my own skin.

Wow!!

We are going to Dallas Thursday. I'm gonna be pissed if the new shirt I ordered from Spiegel doesn't get in here in time. I'm wearing jeans, hopefully my new little blue shirt, taking a blazer, and wearing comfortable shoes. It is a horseshow in Texas and we will be sitting a long time so I decided to go in comfort.

I know it is a baby step in the right direction but it was very exciting. This morning about half way through my bowl of oatmeal I recognized that I was full. It kind of startled me that I could be full on half a bowl of oatmeal but I was and the really exciting part is that I stopped. I didn't just go ahead and eat it anyway. I stopped, got up and threw the rest in the trash.

Yeah Me!!

Here we are again talking about how to break the stereotypical rotten-body-image thing that most American females are restricted by, and find a more shalom-like way to acknowledge, relate to, and treat our bodies... read more at Magpie Girl

I've been wondering about ways that we could make a difference. What could we do that might actually bring about a change in not only the way we perceive ourselves but how do we say to the designers/media/fashion industry that we are tired of them dictating the way women should look. I hear a lot of women's voices out there crying out but what could "we" do that will count??

Any ideas?

Add yours!

Reasons to work out (unrelated to conforming to the world's vision of perfect skinniness):

1. It just makes you feel good.
2. It makes you feel accomplished (setting goals and reaching them, lifting more, running farther, etc.) and could increase self esteem.
3. It's something you can do for yourself.
4. It's a great "excuse" for some alone time or some quality time with someone you love (walks with the hubby, etc.).
5. It's good for your health in myriad ways (heart, bones, muscles, circulatory system, respiratory system, etc.).
6. You can look at your sexy biceps/triceps/pecs/shoulders/quads/calves/etc. while you're lifting weights.
7. It diffuses stress and combats/alleviates depression.
***************************************************

Aola
1. I like that I am doing something that I know will increase the quality of my life not only now but as I grow older
2. It makes me feel strong.
3. I feel as if I have accomplished something good.
4. It gives me something else in common with my boys, we like to discuss our work outs.



And Kristen's own "why work out at o'dark-thirty in the morning":

1. If I don't get it done in the morning, it ain't gonna happen.
2. It's a great way to start the day.
3. I don't feel like ripping J's head off when he's whistling Silver Bells while I'm waking up
4. I don't feel guilty for missing my workout.
5. I start the day doing something for myself and myself alone.
6. I start the day with some much needed semi-alone time.
7. Lifting weights is a great way to get out aggressions so I can start out my day happy.
8. Running and other cardio gives me happy endorphins.
9. I start the day focused on my health, and I tend to make healthier eating choices.
10. I'm not as sedentary throughout the day.
11. I only have to do it until May 31 (the last day of my job)...after that, I can do it whenever I want to!

************************************

Aola
I can't possibly think of one good thing to say about working out that early in the morning except that I think Kristen is SUPERWOMAN!!

I do my work outs durning Seth's school time - picture me sitting on the weight bench next to his computer, lifting weights while he does school.
We all walk together, usually right after lunch.

Who's next?

I am having a little trouble finding a place of balance with the intuitive eating. I need to get the book but I'm really trying not to spend any extra $$ right now until business picks up.
Without the counting I'm having some trouble keeping my eating under control, like I'm on a permanent free day... I know the balance will come if I listen to my body and everything new has to be learned but tonight I'm feeling pretty down about my lack of willpower. I ate horribly over the weekend and it has lingered on into today.
Right now my body is telling me that it doesn't like it when I bake macadamia nut cookies so don't do it anymore and that it doesn't like it when I ignore my own good judgement about eating healthy foods and go off on a junk food binge... so just stop it.

The cookies are all gone.

I will eat healthy tomorrow. My body will love me again.

I don't particularly care for Tyra Banks and have been mad ever since they replaced the Ellen DeGeneres show with Tyra but I happened to surf by the Tyra show tonight and saw that it was about her response to the media calling her fat. I watched about 30 minutes of the show, the girl has got attitude, I'll give her that. She had all the women in the audience dressed in red with their weight in big white letters across their chest. At the end they peeled off the numbers, threw them away and said......

SO WHAT

I'm starting to really like this Junkfood website

A long post over at Junkfood Science, but worth checking out when you have a couple of minutes nonetheless. I don't know if I agree with everything in it, but it's very interesting.

Okay, So I didn't throw the scale away,but, I haven't been on it in a while. I decided this morning that I was going to weigh myself just to settle a point within myself.
I had neither gained or lost anything - right where I was before.. before when I was counting every calorie, driving myself crazy over it, but, not making one bit of difference.
So, the point proven is that it really wasn't making any difference. I'm doing just as well with intuitive eating (even tho I'm still learning). I am learning, I catch myself knowing when I am about to go eat something because of stress or boredom and I just tell myself that I shouldn't - sometimes I listen, sometimes I go ahead and eat it anyway but I'm getting better with the listening.

How are you guys doing with it?

We had company last night. I fixed a huge meal - ham, potato salad, green salad, green bean salad, hot bread, and banana pudding. I didn't think I ate all that much I tried to listen to my body and stop eating when I was full but as I lay down to go to sleep last night I had that yucky way overfull feeling. I hate that. So, I lay there feeling like an idiot, talking to myself, telling me to learn to listen better because my tummy does not like the way it feels when I stuff it too full.

Listen up, dummy.

I did better today. I'm learning. At lunch today I ate a little leftover ham and a piece of bread. I had a small portion of potato salad on my plate too but I was too full to eat it and I actually got up and threw it away instead of eating it.

My boys are so good about knowing when to stop. I have never made food a big deal at our house. You eat what you like, if we have something new the rule is you have to at least try it and then if you don't like it, don't eat it. I've always told them that when you are full, stop, I'll throw the rest away.

I want to relearn that ability.

Normally clothes shopping perpetuates the diet/binge cycle for me. It goes something like this, I eat well and exercise. I go clothes shopping. Said clothes are unkind and won't fit in the places they should. I end up sad and depressed and decide to eat whatever I want because not eating what I want hasn't helped anyway. The problem has always been that I have a specific size that I feel like I should fit into in order to be beautiful, but I've never actually been that size, and trying to become that size feels like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Yesterday, I went shopping and made a conscious decision not to judge body. If I tried something on and it didn't look good, I simply thought to myself "this style isn't for me" and moved on to the next item. I paid no attention the size of the garment. I looked at how it hugged my curves and really paid attention to how I felt in it. It was a totally freeing shopping experience. I tried on things I never dreamed I would like because in the past I wouldn't have tried them on at all because I would have thought I was too fat for them. After my shopping experience, I didn't feel the need to eat at all. I felt beautiful in the new shirts I bought. I took the time to appreciate my body. I will say that it is still very difficult to go shopping because designers are not as appreciative of my body as I am. Why do they feel that anyone over a size 9 wants to wear a sack? I am reading "The Diet Survivor's Handbook" (thanks to Kristen) and am working through it's lessons. I'm trying not to judge myself as being "good" or "bad" about following the recommendations in the book. I'm opening myself up to this being a journey and allowing myself to experience it rather than control it.

Rachelle has an interesting post this morning about intuitive eating...

magpie girl

Kinda interesting

You'll see lots of studies like this one (and studies that are obviously completely skewed to find a result of "fat = death") if you read The Obesity Myth, but I just came across this one today: A study the media overlooked: being fat lowers mortality for women.

Her point was similar to what I've been reading:

"Sure, it could be said to be a minor correlation, but if it had supported the dangers of obesity it certainly would have been shouted from the rooftops. But since it didn’t, you never heard about this study."

I'm not sharing this with you all to say, "Everybody get fat now!" It's just interesting in light of what I've been reading lately. The whole "being overweight significantly increases your risk of death" idea that is so promoted in the media doesn't appear to be true. It's the risk factors that often (but then again sometimes do not!) lead to obesity (sedentary lifestyle, poor nutrition) that increases morbidity.

Where I'm At

I'm in my skinny jeans. You have those? Right? Mostly its due to nursing. Breastfeeding burns mongo calories.

I'm in the usual mid-winter cardio trouble -- not enought daylight or warmth to have good cardio-vascular endurance. As the days lengthen, I should be able to solve that.

Something about being Sam's mom has changed the way I see me. I feel pretty, confident. I feel like I can conquer the world. I'm not giving weight much brain space these days. I want to keep it under control, but I want to spend more time living than worrying.

A little discouraged

First of all, gals, I am reading The Obesity Myth by Paul Campos, and it is really good. The entire first section is Campos showing how many "obesity experts" (the ones you read about in magazines and newspapers constantly) twist studies to show how awful fat is. In reality, a fat person who exercises and eats fairly healthy will have the same mortality rate as someone who is thin. In some cases, the fat even seems protective against diseases. Furthermore, a person who is 75 pounds "overweight" (whatever that means) is often more healthy than a person who is 5 pounds underweight. These "experts" have powerful motives (financially, socially, etc.) to keep women losing "the last 10-20 lbs" over and over again, even though that is terrible for your body.

The first part of the book deals with the skewed studies; that is the hardest part to read, but also the most powerful probably.

I was particularly struck by a chapter on Susan Estrich. She's not one of my favorite people to begin with, but she has accomplished many things in her life (first female president of the Harvard Law Review, first female to run a presidential campaign, published a few books, mother). Yet according to her book, she considers her biggest accomplishment going from a size 12 to a size 6 dress.

Yuck. Seriously, how did we get here? A person can do amazing things, break barriers, publish books, become a respected analyst...all these things, and still not feel happy about themselves or worthwhile until she loses weight? I mean, seriously, size 12 isn't overweight to begin with! She wasn't endangering her health at that size...she just wanted to look smaller.

That is f----d up.

The reason I am discouraged about this is because when I told Jason about this, he basically said, "Well, who are we to judge what she considers her greatest accomplishments to be?"

Excuse me? It's like he couldn't see how incredibly sick this was. His attitude about it outrages and discourages me. It could be because he doesn't believe what I'm telling him about what I'm learning from the book. I think he thinks fat people are gross. It's sad because he is one of the least prejudiced people I know--he is kind to everyone--but when it comes to fat, he is different.


Part of me knows I cannot live in bondage to food, calorie counts, binges, etc. anymore. But the other part of me is desperately afraid that I will lose my husband or that at the very least, he will lose his attraction to me. (What happens then? Do I jump back on some crazy dieting scheme because of one person's--one very important person, mind you--thinks I need to be skinnier to be attractive to him?)

Part of me is scared that he's going to make our kids have eating disorders because of the way he talks.

Part of me is discouraged that I didn't marry a guy who is more concerned with the shit we woman go through. Any time I bring up any feminist issue (and I don't frequently), he clams up and freaks out.

I'm discouraged. Help.

Can I just tell you ladies how free I feel right now? I'm making biscuits this morning! I only eat biscuits on special occasions, or at least I used to only eat them then. Sure, I replaced half the flour with whole wheat flour and added some flax seed, but I didn't do it because I was thinking about calories. I was thinking about the whole grains my body needs to feel good. The few days that I've been trying to listen to my body, I haven't over eaten. I've eaten more small meals durring the day. Usually when I felt those hunger pains around 11 a.m., I would tell my body to be quiet because it wasn't time to eat yet. Now, I have a snack. I'm trying to eat slowly and focus on when I feel satisfied. Before, I was punishing myself for being fat. I'm realising now more than ever that my weight is not as much in my control as I would like for it to be. I took the advice from one of the articles and looked back at pictures of my family from as far back as I have them. The women on both side of my family have been well built. I wouldn't call them fat. They've all had curves, and they were all beautiful! I'm glad I'm not punishing myself anymore. That only led to rewarding myself on Sunday and feeling miserable afterwards.

A while back, Michelle at La vie en rose and her blog pals were doing a mirror meditation. They set aside a specific time each day for a month to meditate and practice speaking kind things to themselves.

I tried it a few times but to be honest I have a hard time finding anything good to say about myself.

So, I had this thought...

I know your husbands are like Mark in that they like, really like your body. So, stand in front of the mirror and if you can't say kind things to yourself at least say what they say about you....

I am sure they see us the way we need to see ourselves.

Mark thinks I have great legs. So, I'm going to stand there and tell myself "Mark's right - I have great legs." (and I'm not going to mention the varicose veins).

Mark thinks I have beautiful hands. So, I'm going to tell myself I have beautiful hands.

David thinks I have ____________________________________ So, I think I do.

J thinks______________________________and he is right!!!

and so on. Get the picture??

Read it slowly, out loud to yourself...


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

read the articles & make suggestions......

I read thru the first article that Kristen has linked below and then skimmed the second one - the first time. Then I went back, took my time, and read them both through again, taking my time and letting it sink in.

I think Kristen is onto something here. I think, well I pretty much know, that we should change our focus. We can all agree that in the past year nothing much has changed for any of us. We did pick up some healthier eating habits and started enjoying exercise but body wise nothing much changed - at least for me - how 'bout you?

So, Kristen. I'm open to suggestion. Let's see if we can't do something positive here about changing the old mindsets and actually start loving ourselves.

First thing I did was throw my food journal away.

I'm trying to work myself up to throwing my scale away (it's not as easy as you might think)

I'm listening...........

Light bulb goes on

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, ladies:

Weight loss myths (two pages; click on more at the bottom of the first page)

I've been doing some reading on this and it makes a lot of sense to me, but I'm still working through it. I think I've been living far too long with the

"If I don't look like a certain way (the way society wants me to look), people will judge/not like me or think I am lazy/self-indulgent/ugly/fat/worthless/unattractive"

and

"This food is bad/This food is good/Thin = good/Fat = bad"

mentalities.

I don't want to think or feel like this any more. There is a lot more to me than my weight. I am more than my shape.

More interesting reading HERE.