A while back, Michelle at La vie en rose and her blog pals were doing a mirror meditation. They set aside a specific time each day for a month to meditate and practice speaking kind things to themselves.
I tried it a few times but to be honest I have a hard time finding anything good to say about myself.
So, I had this thought...
I know your husbands are like Mark in that they like, really like your body. So, stand in front of the mirror and if you can't say kind things to yourself at least say what they say about you....
I am sure they see us the way we need to see ourselves.
Mark thinks I have great legs. So, I'm going to stand there and tell myself "Mark's right - I have great legs." (and I'm not going to mention the varicose veins).
Mark thinks I have beautiful hands. So, I'm going to tell myself I have beautiful hands.
David thinks I have ____________________________________ So, I think I do.
J thinks______________________________and he is right!!!
and so on. Get the picture??
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13 comments:
Great idea! David always says he loves everything about my body. This exercise will not only help me love my body but it will help me believe that he really does too.
I ordered The Healthy Body cards as a way to start something similar. If I can't think of anything good, they will help me.
Jason loves my curves, my small waist, my perfect boobs :) and my butt. He has never thought I was too big, even though we are the same height and (well, due to the fact that I have hips) I have always been wider than him.
See... now we are gettin' somewhere.
Mark gets so mad at me when I laugh off his compliments or say something derogatory about myself...
maybe our guys are way smarter than we give them credit for :)
i am going to say it: chris never says this stuff at all.=(
and other people *men* do.
and I could go on to explain why this "is"okay and why it doesn't mean he doesn't love me... that it true.
it's hard.
You know, Erica (and others), sometimes I have to remind myself that the good things that J sees in me aren't the only things that ARE good about me. Honestly, I don't think I'm necessarily his type, and he's not really mine. I wish he was more liberal in compliments and willing to talk about deep things, but he usually isn't. He doesn't see that my lips have a perfect cupid's bow, that my cheekbones are exquisite or that I have really, really long eyelashes, and that's okay.
I tend to not compliment people on their looks (unless we are close enough and I know it would mean something special to them--like all my new mom friends who are slowly losing the baby weight) because I want people to know I value THEM and their spirit and character. Is Chris like this, or is it just that he's not the verbal type?
well said, K.
i really like the comments about the awesome features that J doesn't really see or praise.
i am pretty sure that it comes down to Chris knowing that I know that I am pretty and also knowing that I know he thinks i am beautiful. For him, it is true, something he so deeply knows is true it doesn't have to be repeated to reinforce it. it is objectively true in his world.
he doesn't see it as subjective or that i have non-rational feelings to deal with that need affirmation. my feelings are subjective, as am I, and though i may "know" the aforementioned things, there are plenty of ways and days I do not "know" or "feel i know" that i am sexy or appealing. then the affirmation from other people meets those subjective needs, though objectively i know they don't revere me any more than my husband does. Still, i am not sure he "feels" attracted to me...though he probably could swear he always :thinks: i am attractive. some sort of disconnect there, between the eyes and the heart and the...netherregions. eek.
It would be nice if none of us needed affirmation from other people, even our husbands, that we were so confident in who we are that we didn't need to hear it from someone else but that was the beginning of this thread... that we aren't or maybe rather that I'm not.
I probably didn't need to hear it as much when I was younger and I don't remember Mark telling me as much then as he does now. But, he is super sensitive to my needs and he knows that I have really struggled in the past few years with the whole getting old thing. In his way, he is trying to help me get past my self-hate of this aging body.
Erica, maybe you don't "need" to hear it from Chris, maybe his actions speak for him but if you do need to hear it from him I think you should just tell him that you need that kind of encouragement from him.
Kristen - I agree that the men probably don't acknowledge the deeper aspects of our beauty but in some part of their brain they know it and appreciate it - if they are any kind of man at all.
In the first few years of our marriage David was not as free with the compliments. I had to tell him that I needed to hear it from him even though I know how he feels without him telling me. For me there is a huge space between knowing how someone feels about you and having them tell you how they feel. It also goes a log way in combating the constant flow of "your not good enoughs" I hear from media. It's funny how a few t.v. shows, magazines, and movies can make me think I know what my husband wants better than he does. They sell it so convincingly. Like Kristen, I don't think he picks up on the minute details of my beauty, but he hasn't known me my whole life like I have either. I imagine that as we grow old together he will come to appreciate those little things more and more.
maybe that's why Mark is so good at it.. we've just been together so damn long :)
Sandra said: "It's funny how a few t.v. shows, magazines, and movies can make me think I know what my husband wants better than he does. They sell it so convincingly."
Boy, you got that right. I struggle with it all the time.
I love sandra's line about our spouses not seeing us as thoroughly as we see ourselves...that we have been ourselves much longer.
Jerry is another person who is very reticent with his comments to me. Sometimes I even have to remind him to change his focus from all my myriad negative points (in his view) and choose to focus on the good things about me (which I sometimes have to remind him about, too.)
If I depended on him to affirm me, I'd be in a world of hurt (and have been.) If I depend on other men to compliment me, it's dangerous. If I depend on women to compliment me, I don't trust them. But, if I depend on myself to compliment me, it works.
And that's the point for me. I'm finally happy with my shape and I care about being healthy and feeling good and having energy.
P.S. Kristen's perfect boobs - all from me...heh heh.
Jeanne, great to hear from you on this... I know of one female (who is your champion) who you can trust and she speaks often of your good points and beauty.
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