Sunday, September 10, 2006

Long, long post ahead…

In which the author begs your patience and advice.

Here’s the deal:

Last year (early 2005), I weighed 141 pounds. I am almost 5’7”, so this is about normal. I gained the freshman 30 in college, mainly with eating bad southern cafeteria food and to comfort myself over a bad break-up, and when I got married I weighed 162. I was in the 12-14 size range, and this never bothered me much. I had a fairly healthy self image through high school and college, even with a beautiful 5’10” and 120 lbs roommate/best friend. I have always had friends who I thought were beautiful in a wide range of shapes and sizes, and I always had boys that liked me, so I never worried about my size. Maybe the occasional, "My boobs are too small" feeling, but no big deal.

Anyway, by increasing my exercising and cooking my own meals when I got married, I gradually lost about twenty of that.

Back in 2005, at 141 pounds, I wondered if I could lose more weight. I guessed I was about 130-135 in high school (I had to guess because I rarely, rarely weighed myself), and I wondered if I could get back down to that. With a limited knowledge of calories and nutrition, I embarked on a kind of stupid diet plan. Stupid because it was nutritionally deficient, although it did include exercise and limiting calories, so I was on the right track in some ways. Well, in 11 weeks, I was back down to 130. I was eating very little protein and doing absolutely no weight lifting (just cardio), so I’m sure some of that was muscle loss. Besides, sometimes I ate as little as 900 calories a day, just because I didn’t like exercising and I don’t like to cook. Unfortunately, I also became absolutely obsessed with calorie counting. I can’t count the number of times Jason asked me what I was thinking about, and it was calories. I never felt like I had anything on my mind but food. It was awful.

The only nice side effect was that I could wear size 8 jeans for the first time.

Well, those jeans are too tight for me now. A year and a half later, I’m back at about 145. Probably for three reasons: 1) the diet I was on was unsustainable, 2) I’ve indulged myself too much this summer and haven’t exercised enough, and 3) I gained some muscle back.

I wear a size 10 (in my lower body) now and feel a little bulgy at times. I got so many compliments back when I was a size 8; now hardly anyone compliments me. Ugh.

Exacerbating the problem is that I’m a classic pear shape. My upper body looks nice, and I don’t mind having soft-looking arms (I don’t need to be super lean in my upper body, I guess that’s what I mean). I often wear a small or extra small top. I can usually wear size 6-8 dresses if they aren’t fitted through hips (like an A-line dress). But my hips are wide; in fact, I’m not even sure I could get to a size 6 if I wanted to (which I don’t think I do--I have a friend that size who is my height, and she looks too thin to me). I have a cute rear end and a flat tummy, but wide hips and thick thighs.

I really, really do not want to go back to counting calories. I'm afraid I'll get obsessed again. I thought about doing Atkins (no calorie counting, just avoiding carbs for the most part), but I don’t think it fits realistically with my lifestyle. Sometimes I really feel addicted to sugar, and I need to get off of that. Food, as we all know, is a huge part of who we are and how we celebrate--and I can’t hide from that. I have a family birthday or major holiday at least every month of the year. I’m participating in this supper club with two ladies who are committed to eating pretty healthfully (they are both pregnant, to boot), and I just can’t just forgo carbs all the time. Once I start having kids, carbs are (from what I've read) pretty dang necessary for a healthy pregnancy (not that I'd be dieting at that point anyway, but I just don't know how realistic it is for me to maintain an "Atkins lifestyle").

I guess the crux of the issue is, I want Jason to feel that I am attractive. He always tells me I am, even when I was bigger. He reminds me that he married me at my heaviest weight and found me stunning even then. He tells me that as long as I feel confident and sexy, I will be attractive to him.

I am so desperate for his affirmation. I am so afraid of losing him to some stick-thin red-headed goddess. J doesn’t have the perfect body (do any of us?), so it’s not like he’s holding me to some impossible standard. Hell, he even thinks my cellulite-y butt is sexy. He's kind of tired of hearing my body image issues all the time, and I'm tired of struggling with it, too, frankly.

Part of me just wishes I didn’t even worry if he thought I looked good. I wish I could just be confident on my own. But I don’t know…I mean, aren’t we supposed to care what our spouses think? I really do want to be the most beautiful woman to him.

I guess the question is, do I try to get back in to those skinny jeans again? I am so tired to trying to reach this “ideal.” I think what I really want to do is just try to maintain, to stop dieting, to just be healthy and exercise because it’s good for my mental and physical health, and not to achieve some standard of beauty I think Jason wants. I don’t think doing a lot of dieting is healthy right before trying to enter my childbearing years anyway.

I don’t know. Could I get some words of wisdom? I am so frustrated.

9 comments:

R said...

I could have written this post.

I don't have any words of wisdom -- just comments. Okay, I'm 5'4 and want to be 130-135 lbs. I'm about a size six at that weight. I'm at 142 lbs right now, and fit comfortably into a size eight. So, I'm wandering if a major toning routine wouldn't get you into a size 8? It doesn't sound to me like your weight is very high at all.

Second, I can't count calories or do Atkins completely. I can do South Beach, which allows carbs in moderation. ok i typed all of this with one hand, will say more later.

Kristen said...

I'm open to suggestions, Becky.

I guess I feel like a size 8 is unattainable right now...mainly because it seemed really un-maintainable for me. I wonder if I am just "supposed to be" a size 10, or if I'm supposed to fight and struggle with 10 lbs over and over again. Is it worth it?

aola said...

I think all of us would like to be a size or two smaller but I guess you just have to decide if it's worth it to you.
You are beautiful the size you are which I think is perfect.
I was a size 10 from the time I was in the 6th grade until Levi was born and was always very comfortable there. I did get down to a size 8 once right after Charlie was born (and I was 18) but I was taking speed then so that doesn't count.
IMHO the Atkins diet is very unhealthy... and no one I ever knew that lost weight on it kept it off.
I have a hard time believing Mark when he tells me how much he loves my body too but maybe we should listen to them.
Most importantly... stay healthy!!

R said...

Okay, I'm back.

About the J thing -- when he says he doesn't care he probably really means it. I don't think men are attracted to smart, caring women like us (that's cocky isn't it?) because of our looks. They're attracted to the way we love, care, think. Size doesn't equate into that. It's a much bigger deal for us than for them. I think the only time it probably becomes an issue is when we're so uncomfortable with our bodies that we are not as open with them as we once were.

I don't think you're supposed to struggle with the same ten lbs. over and over again. On the otherhand, with the dimensions you're giving me 5'7(which is so gorgeous) and 140 something pounds, I think that size eight is attainable without losing weight. I could be super wrong, and don't want you to think I'm pushy, but I don't think you would probably have to lose much weight, just add a different kind of training.

But it's not about size. It is about how you feel. Do what causes you the least stress and gets you the best health.

Okay, that's a lot. I hope it makes sense. If I were as tall as you and at your weight, which is toward the low end of the BMI for your height, I'd add pilates for a month or two, stick with the same eating schedule and see what happens. FYI pilates totally helps the peanut butter and jelly not get out of control or cause pain.

If I really wanted to get into a size eight, for a certain date or time of year, or I felt the need to control my sugar cravings -- I'd start with Phase three of South Beach, which already allows moderate carbs and lots of good protein and veggies.

Otherwise, I agree with A -- you're gorgeous how you are.

Kristen said...

Thank you both so much. I am letting your words sink in and thinking them over and trying to figure some things out. I talked with a good friend of mine today, and just talking with you all and her have helped me.

I'll write more a little later, but the J man is dying to check his Fantasy Football scores on the computer, so... :)

E. Michelle said...

I would respond to your post point by point but that would take too long-- I am tired!!!
Just my two cents:
You need to be free Kristen. You need to be at the weight where you are healthy and enjoying your life, pleasing to look at to yourself and J, and still free to think about the rest of your life.
Sounds to me like your size eight is the same as my size eight. It would take me ridiculous amounts of concentration to be an eight. I haven't been an eight since highschool, oh and maybe during my junior year (depressed!). I would have to monitor absolutely everything and kill myself in the gym to be an eight for any length of time.
That isn't freedom in this issue. I cannot be a slave to the calorie-counting... it isn't who I want to be.
Your size ten jeans sound like your best- they sound like the size you are when you are taking care of yourself and enjoying life's pleasures like holidays and birthdays.
Do our daughters a huge favor and ignore the compliments you get or got when you were all-consumed skinny. We already know thin to be TOO celebrated, too important.
Let's bring back normal and healthy.
Doing something or being a certain way for the compliments is a good way to place your confidence in the wrong basket. you are beautiful. you define what that is and how that looks for you.
LoVe.
E--

McMom said...

5'7" and 145, IS goregous! You looked great in that picture you posted in your new dress. I have not been a size 8 since HS and that was only breifly. I would love to be in a 10 again. Right now it is 12 and 14's.

Have you read the book, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhan? ( Great book! They have it at WalMart) She did a huge survey of all kinds of men to try and "get into their minds". Anyway according to her findings men care more that we are taking care of ourselves and that we are confident. When I am excersising regularly I get all kinds of compliments from my hubby even if I have lost nothing or have even gained.

I think as long as we know "what to do" with what we have got we will keep our husbands attention just fine. Make memories for him to refer to in his mind.
I don't think Atkins is the way either. I eat more the South Beach way also. I try to eat my starchy carbs by noon or before and what I do eat is whole grain and in moderation. The rest is protein and lots of veges and fruit. there is an occasional treat now and then.

Kristen said...

Yeah, you're right, Cheri. Actually, you are all right.

J said to me yesterday exactly what Cheri said: as long as I'm confident and I'm making an effort to take care of myself/my health, that's all that matters to him. I read him what Becky wrote about smart, caring women, and he totally agreed.

Becky, I did some research on the South Beach diet today, and it totally made sense to me. Much less rigid than Atkins, too. I also did a Pilates video tonight. :)

Sandra said...

I agree with all of these posts. Sorry I didn't chime in sooner. You are beautiful and healthy and you take great care of yourself! That is the most important thing. I will take healthy over skinny any day, and health has to include mental health as well as physical. If getting to a size 8 means your brain is always in diet mode, it's not worth it.