Completely off subject, but...

Girls, I can't find the damn keys I've been looking for for weeks now. Found out today they will cost $250 to replace if I can't find them. Please send "finder" vibes/prayers my way! I am so frustrated.

Wanna hear another thing I am irritated about? I knew you did. Sometimes I feel like I have too many issues with food now to ever have a healthy relationship with it or with my body. That sucks.

Feel free to post your frustrations in the comments section. Ha!

I bought the cutest little book today. It's called The Book of Fun for Moms or something like that, written by a young mother who was trying to learn to cope with having two babies 17 months apart (sound familiar?) It is full of fun things to do with your kids and as a family. It made me feel good because I have done most of them with my kids at one time or another. I'm going to read thru it and then give it to Christi because I am quiet sure she is going to need a little fun in her life soon :)

I also bought the cutest flip flops, I was sooo tickled to find them at Sam's for 12.98!! I had been looking on zappos and the prices were ridiculous. I had a hard time just picking one style, will probably buy another pair or two next month if they still have them.

Please, please read

Just finished another really good book:

Live a Little: Breaking the Rules Won't Break Your Health by Susan Love and Alice Domar with Leigh Ann Hirschman. It was sooooo good, gals.

The authors write about what you can do to be "pretty healthy" rather than giving tons of do's and don't or even dieting advice. This book is helping me RELAX about my health and not feel bad if I miss a little sleep or don't eat perfectly or exercise every day. Got it at my local library--maybe you can, too.

Back in the Blogosphere

I've missed reading these blogs, but just didn't have 'the time anymore'. Now that I've given up my two huge time-wasting Facebook pasttimes, I feel like I have all the time in the world.

So, my own blog will have a little content in it now, and I just wanted to say 'I'm back!'

I try to time my Estee Lauder purchases so that I always get the free gift they give away twice a year. Recently, I did just that and in the gift package was one of those unbelievably expensive line-plumping eye treatments so I thought, what the heck I might as well try it. Boy, was that a mistake. I don't guess I thought the whole line-plumping thing through. I was just thinking Wow, if there is anything that could make my under eye area look better I should try it. Never again. I put it on with my nightly moisturizer and the next morning... HOLY COW... the normal bags I have under my eyes looked like inflated air bags!! Bags are bad enough but INFLATED BAGS are bad, bad. So much for the anti-aging line plumping.. HA!

But, I am trying a new skin regime for this summer. I went on line to www. olayforyou.com, went through the questions and have been buying one item at a time the products they suggested. I love the Definity scrub and just started using the night cream last night. It is supposed to help with age spots and discoloration.. we will see. It's quiet a splurge for me but since I am outside so much in the summer I thought I should do it. I'm worth it, right?

Anyone buying any new summer clothes or shoes or make-up so far this season or is everyone pinching pennies like we are?

Reality

I'm sitting in the break room at work enjoying my turkey, veggie, & mustard on whole wheat sandwich when in walk to of my co-workers with McDonald's meals complete with fries and soda. Neither of these ladies weigh more than a buck twenty and one weighs substantially less. She's so thin that her goal for Wii fit is to gain weight, yes you heard that right. She wants to gain weight and has been shoveling down the ice cream to accomplish her goal. We had a brief conversation about weight wherein I explained my recent try at running, and they both confessed that they couldn't run and that neither of them did anything beyond the physical activity they do at work to stay thin. And it hits me. Weight is not fair, and the playing field of weight loss is not equal. Some people will go their entire lives without having to put in half of the effort of others and will be thin regardless of their lack of effort. Others, like me, will work very hard for every ounce they lose. Some can eat whatever they want whenever they want to and it will never catch up to them. Others can gain a pound just by looking at chocolate cake, at least it feels that way sometimes.


In the past month my weight has not budged, but I will not give up hope or stop trying.

i'm doing good, how 'bout you?

The change in weather has been good for me. I am feeling better mentally and physically. Of course, there is always sinus/allergy stuff to deal with in Oklahoma and especially this time of year but mine hasn't been too bad.
I am busy outside, a lot. The mowing has begun, flower beds to work in and a slow start in the vegetable garden and just sitting. I love to just sit in the sun with my feet in the clover. We are all enjoying watching Zoe discover the world of outdoors. She's going to be a wild one.
I am eating lighter and better, the being busy helps me not to nibble quiet so much. No weight loss, of course, but, I still feel better about myself.
I dedicate some time every day to some sort of exercise - take a walk, do some yoga type stretching exercises, or weight bearing and that also makes me feel better.
Business is better which really helps my attitude and our home/family life is wonderful.

So, in general, life is good.

You know, I just don't get it? I really don't.
I mean, I am not a totally undisciplined person. I do get things done, but, for some reason that I don't understand at all I just can't lose weight. I cannot control my eating habits. I can make myself eat healthy food I just can't make myself not eat too much. I just can't do it. When I'm not really hungry, when I know I don't need it, even when I hate myself for it I still eat. I don't eat huge amounts of food, I just eat all the time. I'm a nibbler. It's a bite here and bite there, a handful of pretzels or nuts, a slice of cheese, a this or a that. I do pretty well in the mornings, a lot of time not eating anything until lunch time but once I take that first bite, once I have breakfast .. it's over. I think that is part of the reason I stay out here in the office on the computer so much. I don't eat when I'm out here and I never bring food in here and I'm fine.

I can even control it for a while, a few days or weeks maybe and then when I don't ever see results I give up,get where I just don't care and I eat.

I hate being this fat. I hate not being comfortable in clothes. I would love to buy new clothes and look good but I can't seem to make myself care enough to do something about it.

Don't get it?

I just don't get it?

I am on day four of my cleanse, not sure I will continue (at least as stictly) much longer. The cleanse is definitely working... I even started my period which I am not sure if that's a good or bad sign since I haven't had one in over six months... will this never be over???
I have held to the plan better this time than any other cleanse I've ever done with almost no slip-ups. Funny, the one thing that has been hardest for me to resist is my stick pretzels.. meat, I can do without, sugar, hasn't been too bad, but OMG those pretzels have haunted me.
I have not been hungry at all. I've eaten LOTS of high fiber, high nutrient foods that have very little calories so no hunger, but, don't feel satisfied either.

I'll just see how my day goes.

Spring cleaning

It has been an unusually long,cold winter for us along with lots of sickness, lots of sickness as you know since you've heard me whine about it all winter long. And, here it is March 20 and we are still having cold, snowy, wet weather and Seth has yet another cold .. meaning we are all fixing to get it... again.

I'm thinking it is time along with the spring equinox to do a cleanse. I need it so badly.

Have any of you ever tried those detox patches you put on your feet? I was just wondering how well they work.

I'm thinking... lots of fresh veggies, juice, water, whole grains and no sugar, refined carbs or meat (maybe fish) for at least a week. I really don't like brown rice but I could manage it for a week, surely.

Lots of vitamins and supplements and maybe buy myself a case of gogi juice .. it is pretty pricey, but, I am worth it.

Anyone want to do it with me? Any thoughts or suggestions?

Just finished reading...

Angry Fat Girls by Frances Kuffel.

Reminded me a lot of our little community here and saw myself in many of the ladies' struggles. You guys might like it. (The writing is pretty good, although there were some annoying parts, too: the writer is perhaps a little too honest--i.e., mean--about her fellow angry fat girls, and it can be irritating to read "who said what on what blog and when." Kind of feels like reading about a party to which you were not invited.)

I suck at losing weight.

I don't know what my problem is. I can't seem to get my eating under control. I think that I used food as a crutch during the last year and ended up with a fairly serious emotional addiction to food.

I'm so frustrated at myself for letting this happen. I know that doesn't really do any good, but it's the truth.

I could really use some motivation vibes!

Thanks ladies.

Update: I visited SparkPeople and found some helpful information on emotional eating. http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=693 I made a little sign to hang on the fridge that says "STOP! Take 5 minutes to relax by reading, listening to music, or going for a short walk. Ask yourself if you are really hungry or if you need comfort." I also put a little list on the side that says "Feel it! Express it! Move past it!"

I can't really go into detail about some of the emotional issues I'm having and perhaps the inability to discuss it either virtually or in person has led to this emotional eating. It feels like the last 5 months have had a domino effect. One very significant thing happened and then I just began to bottle everything up. I knew that I was too numb when I didn't even cry over the recent loss of our cat.

It literally feels like I've been walking on egg shells around myself. So afraid that the smallest amount of giving in would mean everything would come tumbling in on me.

Took Emily to the doctor again today for a follow-up visit, since she is just not getting over the cough. He gave her a new antibiotic which I may or may not try and renewed the prescription for her cough syrup. I also got something for nausea since she started throwing up as soon as we walked out of the office... I'm thinking maybe it was nerves.

Anyway... I was so happy for her. SHE LOST 9 POUNDS IN A WEEK!! I suppose it was from being sick although I did change a few things in her diet over the past couple of weeks.

Way to go Ms Emily!!

Okay, I officially hate Levi now.

Two weeks, two freaking weeks.

He decides to get in shape, for two weeks he has been upping his protein intake and working out at the gym at work.... two measly weeks.

He has gained 8 pounds of bulk and looks absolutely ... well, I don't want to say fabulous because that kind of makes him sound gay and I don't want to say HOT because he's my kid but the boy looks GOOD. He came over last night, he had on a new pair of jeans that fight tighter than he normally wears and I couldn't believe how muscular his legs and butt looked. Levi has never had a butt before!!

Two weeks.

But, he and Seth working out so hard has inspired me to try once again. Over the winter months and yet another change in blood pressure medication I have gained quiet a bit of weight. So, I am counting calories... UCK! and paying more attention to what I eat and as soon as our ground dries up just a little I am going to start walking again.

Two weeks. Boys.

I really miss all of you. Since we don't blog anymore I don't feel like I know what is going on in any of your lives and I miss knowing how you are and what you are doing and how the babies are changing and growing. I miss Cara's wit and wisdom and Jeanne's grace for each of us. I miss Erica's mystery ... I guess all things are or at least most things are just for a season.

No wonder I get to this point of just wanting to give up, to go ahead and eat myself into oblivion...

for the past two weeks I have been forcing myself (and it has been hard) to not eat anything after supper. We eat at about 6:00 every night and I don't go to bed sometimes 'til 1:00 or 1:30 so that's a long time to not snack on anything (the most I've had is a few stick pretzels and ONE night I fell off the wagon and ate some yogurt)

and the result....

I GAINED WEIGHT!!

It seems like no matter what I try, it doesn't work or it doesn't work for long. If I do manage to lose a pound or two I gain it back. So, once again, I don't know why I even try.

call me crazy

but I am thinking about getting The Biggest Loser game for the Wii. I thought it would be something fun for Erin and I to do together. We can even challenge each other. She doesn't need to lose any weight, but I've noticed that her stamina isn't so great. Plus it would be fun for us. She seems pretty interested in it. We don't have the fitness board, but it says you don't have to have it. What do you think?

Try ..try...try again! Right? I'm back on the wagon. I'm not drinking anymore soda and I'm going to really pay attention to what I'm eating and when. I've got to get this under control now!

La

She called tonight, it was late but i had been awake shortly before. it was almost three a.m. and she texted

that something unspeakably horrible had happened.

I have known this girl, this little China-pet as I call her, for some time now. We worked together. When she started dating him, I knew it was a fling. It was something she was doing because she is young- he is inappropriate, but temporary, and I felt she was entitled to her youth.

She is out of his league, looks-wise, too pretty and young, socio-economically from a stable family who sent her to private highschool and now she's an art major at the best school in my hometown.

I didn't like her at first, something about her was off-puttingly intense. She seemed to stare at me from kohl-rimmed deep-set blue eyes.

But that was so long ago now.
She won me over. She tried and that was enough for me. It is much too hard for me to actively dislike someone. It isn't in my nature and she is wonderful. she is my own personal Alice from Wonderland.

oh, the many silly games we play. and the many truths we tell, the nonsense we smoke, and the hope and faith we share.

He beat the shit out of her tonight.

By friday, I'll have his head on a plate.

Dinners this Week

last night: Arugula and Steak Salad + Eggplant Stir-fry by Chris
tonight: pizza! prosciutto and arugula
tomorrow: mustard chicken+ broccoli
mango chicken tacos, tuna farfalle and shrimp arrabiata to follow.

For my next menu: i need your most favorite CHEAP dinner recipes.

much obliged to you,
e