I really miss all of you. Since we don't blog anymore I don't feel like I know what is going on in any of your lives and I miss knowing how you are and what you are doing and how the babies are changing and growing. I miss Cara's wit and wisdom and Jeanne's grace for each of us. I miss Erica's mystery ... I guess all things are or at least most things are just for a season.

No wonder I get to this point of just wanting to give up, to go ahead and eat myself into oblivion...

for the past two weeks I have been forcing myself (and it has been hard) to not eat anything after supper. We eat at about 6:00 every night and I don't go to bed sometimes 'til 1:00 or 1:30 so that's a long time to not snack on anything (the most I've had is a few stick pretzels and ONE night I fell off the wagon and ate some yogurt)

and the result....

I GAINED WEIGHT!!

It seems like no matter what I try, it doesn't work or it doesn't work for long. If I do manage to lose a pound or two I gain it back. So, once again, I don't know why I even try.

call me crazy

but I am thinking about getting The Biggest Loser game for the Wii. I thought it would be something fun for Erin and I to do together. We can even challenge each other. She doesn't need to lose any weight, but I've noticed that her stamina isn't so great. Plus it would be fun for us. She seems pretty interested in it. We don't have the fitness board, but it says you don't have to have it. What do you think?

Try ..try...try again! Right? I'm back on the wagon. I'm not drinking anymore soda and I'm going to really pay attention to what I'm eating and when. I've got to get this under control now!

La

She called tonight, it was late but i had been awake shortly before. it was almost three a.m. and she texted

that something unspeakably horrible had happened.

I have known this girl, this little China-pet as I call her, for some time now. We worked together. When she started dating him, I knew it was a fling. It was something she was doing because she is young- he is inappropriate, but temporary, and I felt she was entitled to her youth.

She is out of his league, looks-wise, too pretty and young, socio-economically from a stable family who sent her to private highschool and now she's an art major at the best school in my hometown.

I didn't like her at first, something about her was off-puttingly intense. She seemed to stare at me from kohl-rimmed deep-set blue eyes.

But that was so long ago now.
She won me over. She tried and that was enough for me. It is much too hard for me to actively dislike someone. It isn't in my nature and she is wonderful. she is my own personal Alice from Wonderland.

oh, the many silly games we play. and the many truths we tell, the nonsense we smoke, and the hope and faith we share.

He beat the shit out of her tonight.

By friday, I'll have his head on a plate.

Dinners this Week

last night: Arugula and Steak Salad + Eggplant Stir-fry by Chris
tonight: pizza! prosciutto and arugula
tomorrow: mustard chicken+ broccoli
mango chicken tacos, tuna farfalle and shrimp arrabiata to follow.

For my next menu: i need your most favorite CHEAP dinner recipes.

much obliged to you,
e

mathological

hello, dahlings!
wondering if you could do me a favor.
I have estimated, and proven now three times, that I spend about 25 dollars/per day for groceries, not including any alcohol- but all breakfasts, lunches and dinners included.

today I shopped for 6 days and spent $155. I want to see if my bill is really so very high, compared to you guys who, they would say, live in more affordable areas than Boston.

For six-seven days I seem to always spend $30 on produce.

k, what about you all?
love.

there's somethin' happenin' here

I have not fully committed myself to better eating. Having visitors seems to make that task even more difficult. I am thinking about healthy eating/living more. I find myself choosing not to have ice cream or ordering water instead of coke. These are not big things, but they are a start. I'm looking forward to David's schedule change and the changes that will mean. He'll be home in the evening so dinner will be more thought out. With just Erin and I there was a tendency to throw something together at the last minute. He won't be coming home at the insane hour of 2a.m. anymore which means my sleep habits will change drastically. This is the part I'm most excited about! I know that sleep is the key to so many health issues. My hope is that life will begin to take on some form of regularity and that it will translate to better eating habits. If nothing else, he won't be home for breakfast anymore which will mean I'm far less likely to make pancakes, french toast, or waffles.
Something I find interesting is that my weight has not fluctuated since a few weeks after having Hayden. I did initially drop a few lbs while in the hospital, but those came back. I didn't even lose any weight while in the hospital for OHS or the week long ordeal with pericarditis. Nor did I gain any after surgery which was a huge surprise to me considering all of the restrictions I had. Throughout this time I haven't really watched what I was eating that much. If I wanted something I ate it. During the time between Hayden's birth and the surgery I stress ate a lot, but I stopped that after surgery. The only modification to my diet was lowering sodium, but I'm not a big salt eater anyway so I'm not sure that was much of a change. One thing I do consume more of these days is Coke. Other than that I find that I don't over eat but I do eat what I feel like having. It's just crazy to me that all of this eating with no exercising hasn't equaled weight gain.

I've been a little out of the loop lately, since Mark's kidney stone attack on Friday night. I have felt like I was in another world being in and out of the hospital, up all night several nights with him and trying to get some sleep during the day. It really messed up what Em and I had going. I did get the South Beach diet book and read through it quickly. I decided it was just too much for me to put on Emily all at once so I did make some adjustments to her diet. We have been cutting out carbs here and there and add some extra protein. She has not complained one little bit so far. We have been a little off track for the past few days but I will get back into the groove soon. I've been walking regularly since our weather has been so nice. Seth wants to get a treadmill for this winter, we'll see if we can work that into our budget. I have talked with a personal trainer friend of mine about Emily but so far he has been of little help. I understand nutrition as well as he does. Mark and I have talked about toning beds.

So,we are making progress, little bitty steps in the right direction. Now, if we can just see results from it.

and the saga continues:

i have been in Boston for six days now and i am enjoying it. i have cleaned out my restroom (threw away a bunch of old-medicine and make-up) and cleaned out our closet. Both Chris and i have too many clothes for the size constraints of our storage areas, so i have two big bags of clothes glowing to Boomerangs- the thrift shop in town whose proceeds go to AIDS research,etc. it feels fantastic to prune our wardrobes, but it isn't easy for me to do. i tend to want to keep anything that isn't torn or stained. This was the first time i had to let go of items because, for instance, they have always fit a little too big, or the sweater looks faded... you know... stuff i could have continued to wear and would-have, if i had more space.

Some people think that clutter makes it hard to lose weight, do you?


I went to the grocery store again yesterday. I told Chris that for me grocery-shopping is always fun and makes me feel rooted in my location. he doesn't get that, he hates grocery-shopping. i have been making specific lists and taking a calculator. WOW! it makes the event super organized and quick, we get exactly what we need, rarely anything gets capriciously added, and we CONTROL the cost. it makes the experience totally AWESOME for me-- the tally makes me understand exactly how much money is being spent and why-- all intentionally, you see. i usually hate spending $100 anywhere all together.

This time we were shopping for four days and spent $63. not bad, though we will have to spend $10 on smaller-market produce. We went yesterday, Labor Day, so the produce was already seriously picked-over by the time we got there. no strawberries, no cilantro, and all the avocadoes were really mushy. So $73 for four days? not bad. we spent more last time.

i weigh less now. ten pounds less than right this minute would be as little as i need to weigh. it would be in my You GO GIRL! range.
remember when we used to say that? my FIL still says it. TEN POUNDS! it is my goal! FYI: minus five pounds from here is where i was when i got pregs with Jujie. Minus TEN-- which is the goal-- is my wedding day weight. cool, right?

i read an article on TIME.com yesterday called "Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin".
While the article does say that exercise is good for a lot of health-markers, it does not make one lose weight. Basically, the article refers to exercise as we now know it, 30-60 minutes in the gym. it asserts that when we work out, we compensate for the loss of energy by either eating more or moving less throughout the day. The article suggests that we then strive to maintain a more active lifestyle- gardening, using the stairs, running for the T (in my case) and eat sensibly. If you have time, read it and let me know what you think.

Since i have an easier time eating well than exercising regularly, i like it.=)

how are you doing, healthwise? A: how is SouthBeach going? sleeping any?

Boston&

I am in Boston now and, finally, in charge of my own kitchen. We are eating eggs or cereal for bfast, turkey or ham wraps for lunch, and planned dinners. It isn't cheap at the grocery store, this bare-bones-but-healthy menu, but i have to admit it is still less expensive and less caloric than eating out.

We have this charming bakery 1 block away from us and i bought myself a little pastry there, a blueberry galette. It was delicious, slightly heated, with milk. last night i made Chris' favorite: orange peel beef. I use low-sodium soy sauce, fresh veggies for the stir-fry, and whole wheat pasta so it was pretty healthy. Tonight, it is grilled chicken, veggies and wild rice.

I am of the opinion, as it matches my experience, that eating healthy is redundant. You'll notice that we're eating wraps everyday for lunch-- for four days. My wraps have turkey, havarti, bell pepper, sprouts and avocado. the ham option gets a yummy artichoke and hummus spread in it. Wraps are easy and i think they cost about $2.25 per wrap. But the ingredients are most cost-effective for us if we eat them daily after we buy them, else we spend money elsewhere while they get less fresh and healthy and less appetizing and then, after a week, i don't want to eat them at all. The best wraps are made in succession, daily, with the veggies still pretty, and they are really REALLY healthy for us. (I think that eating bad food also gets repetitive...there are times i am tired of hamburgers and chinese food, but i actually get it ANYWAY because it is convenient and cheap and habit.) funny, huh? So i just accept that eating healthier and conveniently and cheaply will involve less variety. If it really starts to bug me, and i know it might, i will be forced to get more creative. but for right now, this'll work.

i guess what i could have said is that i think for me, success in the venture is greatly aided by CONVENIENCE! and for me, convenience is Repetition. and, it might be important to note: i love to grocery shop and aim to do so twice a week so that I don't intend to eat exactly the same thing for more than four days in a row.

This works for me, but what is it that works for you?

Thank you ladies for your encouragement. It does help, a lot. Since it will be a few days before I get the South Beach Diet book I pulled out one I already owned - The Insulin Resistance Diet and started implementing it into our diets today. I'm sure there will be many more changes to come but so far Emily has not complained too much.
She did turn her nose up at the boiled egg I put on her breakfast plate this morning, but, she ate it. She eats small amounts of food five or six times a day.
The real challenge is that she already eats well and still gains so I'm not sure what we will have to do to actually see results. But, we will give it a go and see what happens.

It really does help me to be able to talk about here. Mark supports me 100% in this but it's just different to be able to talk to you guys about it.

Okay, I have made a decision and it was not an easy decision to make either.

I worry constantly about Emily's health and mine has not been good lately either. Normally, I can get things (illnesses)under control quickly by eating right and taking the right supplements and exercise but for the past year I have not been able to. I was not able to get my blood pressure down and have been on meds for about six months and they make me feel like crap. I have had this same nagging cough for over three months now and it just won't go away...

Emily just sits back there in her room and gets fatter by the day. Cutting calories didn't work, she can't exercise... I worry about her breathing and her heart and diabetes.

Today I started doing some reading and research about diabetes and insulin resistance. I read that the closest "diet" book out there for IR diet is the South Beach Diet so...

I ordered the book and I am going to put myself and Emily on the diet and stick to it for at least six months to see if it helps her. I know it will be good for me and if she has to do it so do I.

She is going to hate me. We are going to fight. She won't understand why. But, I am determined to do this.

So, say a little prayer (if that's what you do) or wish me luck or at least think about us as we struggle to get this under control.

Doing really good with the eating well and exercising now. I exercise almost every day. Can't believe it's been three plus weeks since I had ice cream, fast food, soda or candy. Woo-woo!

I've lost 10 lbs, too (since I last checked which was probably about six weeks or so ago). It's not really about poundage (in my opinion), but it does feel good to see that on the scale. I have a ways to go, but my clothes are getting looser (bra, pants, etc.) and my belt is getting tighter. Plus, the people close to me (J, Missi, Mom and Dad) have noticed a change and that's cool.

And you know what keeps coming to my mind: I am actually being "selfish" in a healthy way right now. I am doing what is truly in my best interest (rather than what I used to think was in my best interest--pigging out). Funny how a simple change of mind can really affect you.

Love to you all.

about an hour before dark when the temperature had dropped a little I changed my shoes and got ready to go for my walk which would make two days in a row - yeah, me. I walked out the door and it was beginning to rain. "Ah, to hell with it, I'm going walking anyway."

and I did.

I am going to try to get to the doctor next week and have him change my BP meds. The one I take has a diuretic in it and he seems to think it may be a part of the reason for the cough that still hasn't gone away. I haven't been taking it this week at all and I'm wondering if that is why I feel so bloated today?

Off to Tulsa tomorrow, I will get my walking in at the mall :)

love you lots

well.... I did walk this morning but I am not sure there was anything healthy about it. It was an angry, I-need-to-go-walk-this-off-before-I-kill-someone walk. It was faster than normal which I'm sure was good for me, even though I don't know how being that angry could ever be healthy.

Then, later, when I calmed down I was so worn out with the anger that I took an hour long nap.. which never happens. Usually my naps, if I ever get one, are power naps - 10 or 15 minutes at the most.

So, maybe the getting stupidly angry wasn't so bad after all.

'Round Here:

Ha ha. that title could be clever, huh?

Well, i wanted to tell you all that last night as i lay in bed, while i was drifting off to sleep I started thinking about everything I had eaten. i started thanking myself for the restraint i did show (not much) and asking myself to eat four oreos not six, next time, that is.

And then i really woke up and i was so happy that i was being so nice to myself, even in my sleep, and happier still that i have begun so internalizing my goal that i was going over the days calories without force.

how are you nice to yourselves?

love.

The good: I have been walking more!

The bad: I have not been going to bed on time ( as is evident with this post) and I have an addiction to coke. Unfortunately it's the beverage variety and not the powdery white stuff that could help with weight loss.

I feel like I don't even know how to start this time! Life is so full of chaos right now and that is an awful excuse, but I just don't feel like I have any bit of routine to use as a starting point. Every time I try to carve something out something else pops up. David did apply for a new job that would give him normal hours and weekends off. That could be the beginning of a normal schedule if he gets it. It must sound like I'm full of excuses and maybe I am. It just feels like I'm always running from one thing to the next and trying to juggle a healthy diet and workout on top of all this running has me tired before I even start.

I know, it's about putting me first, but I'm not sure how to do that with an 11 month old and a 13 year-old.

I'll find a way. I have to do this for them and for me! So, starting tomorrow it's an 11 o'clock bed time for me. I don't care how many photos need editing or what house work is left undone.

So Far. . .

my eating habits are shifting back to a little healthier. I have been to Jason's deli twice when i would have gone somewhere else. I had a salad yesterday at Chili's. you'll notice the trend: i am eating out a lot. it is really hard to control your weight under those circumstances.

Still, i feel that unless I had been weighing myself every morning-- something I was unable to do during the month i was on the road-- aha!-- i would still be in a binging state and gaining weight.

I expect three pounds to come off relatively easily over the next week and a half (when I will fly to boston) and then I will begin a real attempt to lose ten pounds. September and October! seven week to lose ten pounds at that point. I will be walking all around Boston and totally in-charge of my own kitchen. it is highly possible.

On A's blog she posts about not getting sleep.
This is a huge huge deal when it comes to weight maintenance and loss, and as she mentions, her disrupted sleep patterns create a disharmony to the time kept in her home-- she and Em are in a different world.

A: please please focus on getting back onto a decent sleep schedule before you attempt weight loss. it is more important. I would like to read about how you attempt to do so, so please write it all out...

love you all.

Uncanny

How we all seem to be thinking about this! I haven't checked this blog in a while--bad, I know. It's good to see you guys on here again.

About two weeks ago, I was doing some researching online about overeating/addictive behaviors. Yep, I answered a lot of those overeater anonymous questions with a big fat yes. Not good.

Long story short, I found an interesting "theory"--it's something I've been trying to do in my daily life and I'm telling you, my eating and motivation and exercising has gotten so much better. It's based on something called "addictive voice recognition therapy" (AVRT). The basic premise is that when we have an addiction to something (unhealthy food, drugs, alcohol), we have an addictive voice (sometimes they call it The Beast) who is constantly telling us to consume that substance. The real you is the one that wants to be healthy. If you can recognize that addictive voice and realize it has no power over you (over your body, over your limbs, over your mind) and ignore its siren song, you can gain power and control over your addiction.

The real me wants to be healthy for so many reasons--more energy, a good example for Alyssa, a better, stronger body. The Beast just wants me to take the easy way out every time--wants me to eat to deal with sad/bad feelings--wants me to eat, eat, eat until I'm stuffed. I'm telling the Beast to leave me alone.

For overeaters, another aspect of this is "playing TAPS" for your Beast. Basically setting up some rules for yourself in regard to:
T-Time
A-Amount
P-Place
S-Substance

I've basically told myself, no eating after 7:30 p.m. or eating in my car. This gets rid of fast food and the constant desire I had to leave the house after Alyssa went to bed to get something fatty and sweet. Seriously, sometimes I was consuming 500-1,000 calories in the evenings and going to bed with an upset stomach. As far as amount goes, I am just working on eating to satisfaction, not overwhelming fullness/stuffing myself like I was.

I haven't put any restrictions on myself for substance, but I have had about three (very minor) sweet treats in the last two weeks--before it was about three treats each day--and no fast food--and I was eating a LOT of fast food. Eating sweets and fast food just doesn't get the Real Me anywhere near my goals--and that's why I'm not eating them.

Girls, I resisted free onion rings. Dude.

:)

I don't know enough about this to recommend it to everyone, but I know it's working for me right now. (I've ordered the book for this, but I haven't received it yet; I'm just going off what I learned on the website.) But let me tell you, ladies, this has improved my eating by TONS. I used to shoot for 90% good foods--it was usually more around 50% and some days less. (Ugh, just admitting that is hard.) Now I'm eating about 95% healthy foods all the time. I was eating a LOT of junk--and this has really helped me.

I haven't really lost much weight, but I've gone down a notch on my belt, my stomach feels less puffy--and frankly, I just feel better. I'm not as swollen. I have more energy at the gym (and I'm making it to the gym and out walking and doing yoga more) and all day long. I am even thinking about getting off caffeine. Eeeek.

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you gals. If it helps, cool. If not, no biggie.

I admire that you all are so open about what you are going through and that I have you to share with. Love you girls!