Women, Phenomenally

Confession time...

Although I had a wonderful time with my family this weekend, enjoyed everything we did, my self-esteem really took a beating.

I felt good enough about myself to wear a sleeveless shirt out in public, something I haven't done in years because of the flabby arm syndrome and felt sure I could enjoy swimming with the kids, too. But, once we got to the hotel I just could not make myself wear my old swim suit. It is too small in the bust and I just squeeze out everywhere in it. So, I thought... well, I'll just go buy me a new one that fits a little better and then I will go swimming with them. I found Emily and me both really cute two piece tankinies (sp?) and went back to the hotel. She looked adorable in hers. I put my mine on and couldn't even come out of the bathroom. I really don't think it looked that bad on me it was just ..... just... looking in that huge mirror at that 51 year old woman in a swim suit. No one should have to look at a 51 year old woman in a swim suit, especially not the woman standing in front of the mirror.
I just couldn't go parading through the lobby and into to the pool room. I just couldn't do it.

The kids were disappointed. Mark was disappointed. I was disappointed that I couldn't make myself feel better about being who I am... an old woman.

I keep telling myself that our society and culture is so screwed up, that we don't know how to embrace each season as it comes. We have very little appreciation for our elderly. As women we have a skewed idea of what beauty is.

I know all this stuff.

But, I still couldn't come out of the bathrooom.